My Old Kentucky Homesite

Don’t Believe Kentucky’s Ill? A Proof!

Posted by Larry Wallberg on 04/01/2010

Augggh! Is there a witch-doctor in the house? A few weeks ago, many of us non-troglodytes were up in arms about the changes made to Texas educational standards by the wingnut-dominated Board of Education in Austin. Now, those revisions look positively benign next to the new standards adopted yesterday in — where else? — Kentucky. Here’s a small sampling of the sickening thoroughbred horseshit that will be shoveled into students’ heads starting next September:

(1) Poor dinosaurs will no longer be referred to as “prehistoric animals.” Instead, all the critters that lived millions and millions of years ago are to be designated as “antediluvian creatures.” Board member Lola Firpo wanted to get this standard through, and she got it. But she tried to mask her obviously Creationist terminology by saying, “Most people use ‘antediluvian’ as a synonym for old. ‘Prehistoric’ isn’t correct, because dinosaurs like T. Rex and that one with the three horns, I forget its name, must have a history, because otherwise we wouldn’t know about them. So I tried to think of a good descriptive word that we could also add to vocabulary requirements. ‘Antediluvian’ just came gushing into my head.”

(2) Remember the Founding Fathers? You can probably name a few of them without wracking your brain: Jefferson, Madison, Hamilton, Adams, Washington, Franklin. Did you mention Jesus? As of next year, Kentucky’s school kids will essentially be taught that the so-called “son of god” was one of the sires of our country (which I guess makes Yahweh America’s grandfather). Rollo Piaf, a 9th-grade history teacher and new Board Member, sang to reporters: “Even those few of our citizens who don’t consider our country to be a Christian nation, will readily admit that the philosophy of Jesus Christ was the most significant factor in forming the Founders’ idea of a Constitutional republic. I mean, look at Thomas Jefferson. He was a famous atheist, but he wrote a whole book praising Jesus’s thought. So I think it would be criminal not to teach that to our students.”

(3) In all science classes, when the work of Sir Isaac Newton is discussed, students must learn that he wrote: “Gravity explains the motions of the planets, but it cannot explain who set the planets in motion. God governs all things and knows all that is or can be done. Is any other explanation possible?” Lori Apfol (who, ironically, is a Jew) justified this standard by announcing, “Our Kentucky education system is one of the finest in the nation, kinehora. But last time I looked, none of our kids was as smart as Isaac Newton. So nu? If God was kosher even to him, who am I to have the chutzpah to say that the Lord’s not good enough for our fartootst students?”

(4) Looking for a mention of evolution or Charles Darwin? Don’t attend biology classes in Kentucky’s public schools. The Board recognized that the basic principles of life had to be taught if our state’s students were to be competitive with college applicants from more enlighted parts of the country. But at the suggestion of member Ira Pollof, “evolution” will now be known as “the planned system of genetic changes” and Charles Darwin will be referred to only as “a small-time theorist from England.” On the other hand, teachers will still be permitted to call Genesis “the Controversy.”

(5) Forget making a distinction between ancient Egyptians, Babylonians, Greeks, and Romans. Citing the “scholarly” (ha!) writings of one Prof. Ollia (Kentucky’s hardy Secretary of History from ’14-’41), the bible-thumping majority agreed that all civilizations before the alleged birth of Christ will be lumped together as “ancient people.” Ollia’s view, now adopted into our state standards, was voiced loudly by the impassioned fundamentalist preacher/educator, Board member Olaf Porli. “Most a them ol’-timey pagan guys was as alike as two turds from a catfish. But nothin’ them folks ever said or done or even thunk was god’s honest truth.” One moderate Republican at the session tried to point out that we should see those ancients as fore-runners. But Porli immediately responded, “A course they’s furriners. So why does Kentucky’s innocent child’n need to hear that kind a ignorant, un-American crap? If you ast me, what goes on elsewhere in this world is none a are goddang bidness.”

(6) Originated by a Medieval Catholic priest named Fr. LaPolio, the mind-crippling concept that the number 3 is “special” will be touched on in elementary arithmetic classes. Students will be required to learn multiplication and division by 3 before being taught how to do the same operations by 1, 2, 4, 5, or any other integers. However, multiplying 3 x 222 will be expressly forbidden.

(7) Of Mice and Men is being dropped from the 10th-grade literature curriculum. Pilar Lofo, the only Latina on the Board, claimed that the Spanish word for “mice” is also Caribbean slang for “Christians with small penises.” She also pointed out that the author wrote disrespectfully about the two main characters, George and Lenny, who were “obviously” symbolic references to God (same initial) and Jesus (since “J” and “L” are separated by only one letter, which, through no coincidence, happens to be the initial of “King of Kings”). English students will instead be required to read the graphic novelization of the “Left Behind” series or watch the New Testament on the American Bible Channel.

Lexington needs a Paul Revere to ride through the streets shouting, “The Christians are coming! The Christians are coming!” We certainly have enough fast horses in the area, although the jockey would probably have to wear a Wildcats jersey if he wanted to get people’s attention. Perhaps Kentucky native George Clooney could get himself an outfit from the revolutionary era and do something to really make us proud. Until he does, though, our state’s officials will continue acting like fools – even when April 1st isn’t the date. O, for a pill!

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32 Responses to “Don’t Believe Kentucky’s Ill? A Proof!”

  1. Susannah Roitman said

    Are you fucking serious!? I may get a second job just so I can send my daughter Sofia to private school. Though, this conversation was encouraging(she’s only 5)

    Sofia asks, “What is God anyway?”

    Me: (pause) Well, some people believe that there’s a powerful person who created all the people & the world & pretty much everything.

    Sofia: Oh. Is it a fairy tale?

    Me: What do you think?

    Sofia: I think it is. Like Leprechauns.

    Me: Who told you that?

    Sofia: (pause) Nobody. I told myself.

  2. srsny said

    I was thinking this was a poor fill piece for your blog until a frail loop began building in my mind as I noticed all of the people quoted in your piece had at least one of their names ending in a vowel. I thought I would flop or ail trying to figure out what you were talking about – until I reached your final line. Happy April Fool‘s Day!

  3. srsny said

    By the way – don’t miss Google today!

  4. I read the first one, and thought “Antediluvian”? What a whack job! It was so believable.

    Then I read #2, and realized what day it was.

    Now I’ll go back and read the rest.

  5. Poe’s Law strikes again!

  6. Postman said

    Larry,
    You wily S.O.B. Sadly, it’s completely believable.

  7. Susannah:
    Your daughter’s only five, and already she’s one of the most rational people in the state.

    Srsny:
    I don’t get paid for writing this blog; I do it all for poi. But if I wanted to increase my hits, I’d definitely consider changing its name to My Googled Kentucky Google. By the way, I wonder if you caught all the “April Fool” messages?

    SI:
    I’m glad I was able to fool you up until the second example. Apparently, you’re not familiar with Kentucky.If you were, you would have believed everything.

  8. Postie:
    I must have been writing my note to SI when you added your comment. Apparently, you have been to Kentucky.

  9. I fell for the first one, but a bible-thumper acknowledging the existence of freethinkers among the Founding Fathers was too over-the-top.

  10. Des:
    That’s why I didn’t mention Thomas Paine. His inclusion would have definitely given the game away.

  11. I wonder if you caught all the “April Fool” messages?

    I got all the anagram names in each number, and “O, for a pill!” Were there others?

  12. SI:
    Yes, there’s another anagram you may not have caught. And there’s one other that isn’t an anagram.

  13. Sneaky bastard.

    “Ill A Proof” in the title, and “’14-’41”.

  14. SI:
    I forgot about ’14-’41. So you still missed one.

  15. The only thing I can see is perhaps the special number “3” comes from 4-1?

    Other than that, I’m stumped.

  16. SI:
    If I told you I was only April foolin’ you about that other message, you’d probably get pissed. So I’ve emailed you instructions on how to find it. They’re pretty easy to follow, but I do hope you have an Allen wrench and some duct tape handy.

  17. Kirk M said

    Of course, I was reading your post to my wife and was just about to start on #3 when it finally dawned on my dense little brain that you were just farting around. (sigh)

  18. Kirk:
    If you had been downwind, it would have dawned on you sooner.

  19. the chaplain said

    Thanks for a clever piece of April foolery.

  20. Chappy:
    April foolery seemed appropriate after March madness.

  21. If I told you I was only April foolin’ you about that other message, you’d probably get pissed. So I’ve emailed you instructions on how to find it. They’re pretty easy to follow, but I do hope you have an Allen wrench and some duct tape handy.

    {smacks hand upside head} Good thing I wasn’t holding the wrench. The beer bottle hurt bad enough.

  22. SI:
    If you didn’t immediately split that beer bottle in two, your head’s not as hard as I thought it was.

  23. dma said

    you little liars do nothing but antagonize…

    and you try to eliminate all the dreams and hopes of humanity…

    but you LOST…

    THE DEATH OF ATH*ISM – SCIENTIFIC PROOF OF GOD

    http://engforum.pravda.ru/showthread.php?t=280780

    Einstein puts the final nail in the coffin of atheism…

    *************************************

    *************************************

    atheists deny their own life element…

    LIGHT OR DEATH, ATHEISTS?

    ********************************
    ***************************LIGHT*********
    ************************************

  24. srsny said

    I went to this guy’s links – he’s using NOSTRADAMUS(!) to prove his point!!!!!!!!

    He also links to a simplistic description of relativity and, without comment or elaboration, says that proves there is a god!

    And of course his stuff is liberally peppered with characterizations of atheists as the lowest of all creatures and with warnings of how atheists wlll all suffer unspecified consequences.

    What drivel!

  25. srsny said

    The best part is of course, this is in response to an APRIL FOOL’S JOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!

  26. Those links were great. I’ve seen some of those videos like the Checkmate Atheists one before. Hilarious. Anyway, I don’t think these changes were strange enough to register as a joke at first, which is quite frightening.

  27. Srsny & Philly:
    Well, now that you’ve both left interesting comments on a piece of fucking spam, I can’t delete it.

    I have to admit, though, that when I saw the bot’s final paragraph, with LIGHT so cleverly buried amidst a sea of stars, I immediately realized the error of my atheistic ways. If a capitalized word and a bunch of asterisks doesn’t prove the existence of a god, nothing can.

  28. He can’t even spell “DNA”. Oh, wait, that’s his name.

    DMA. Dimwitted Moronic Asshole?

    Yes, Mr. Free Speech. I was wondering what happened to that comment. It’s only good enough for we who subscribe to this post?
    It wasn’t spam. It was a comment clearly directed to you, your blog and this post in particular. You gotta leave it up for all to see.

  29. SI:
    I’m deleting your comment.

  30. Not before you listen to that whole song, I hope.

  31. Larry:

    Spam is considered a delicacy in East Asia.

    As for their proof, I know a lot of people have put together excellent responses. I, however, would not bother. First the bizarre logic used in such proofs usually betrays a complete unfamiliarity with the most basic concepts of reason. I hate to elitist, but explaining the gaping holes in their alleged proofs using reason or logic is similar to doing so in Swahili with hieroglyphics. They do not even possess the right tools to comprehend the simplest explanations.

    The typical response:

    Nuh-uh, ‘cuz the Babble sez …

  32. SI:
    I don’t know what song you’re talking about, because I’ve deleted your comment.

    Des:
    I’m not a big fan of the stuff myself, but I do think that upper-case Spam the food gets a bad rap from lower-case spam the Intertubes’ hot air.

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