My Old Kentucky Homesite

None of the Above

Posted by Larry Wallberg on 03/13/2010

Wallberg’s Law:
When your wife asks “Does this dress make me look fat?” you’ll wind up in an argument no matter how you answer.

Examples:

Wife:   Does this dress make me look fat?
You:    Yeah
Wife:   Screw you! If you didn’t always have those Entenmann’s Chocolate Donuts in the house, I’d be twenty pounds thinner.

Wife:   Does this dress make me look fat?
You:    No.
Wife:   Don’t you even look at me any more? You didn’t even notice that I’ve gained twenty pounds? Are you blind?

Wife:   Does this dress make me look fat?
You:    No, it fits perfectly.
Wife:   Yeah, it fits a fat person perfectly. Can’t you even see that it’s two sizes larger than my other dresses?

Wife:   Does this dress make me look fat?
You:    You look beautiful.
Wife:   Since when are you an expert on beauty? Every woman you ever look at is about twenty pounds overweight.

Wife:   Does this dress make me look fat?
You:    You look great.
Wife:   That’s what you always say about an Entenmann’s Chocolate Donut. “Oh, that looks great, Honey.” Am I some kind of donut to you?

Wife:   Does this dress make me look fat?
You:    (thirty second pause)
Wife:   How come you didn’t answer.
You:    I’m thinking.
Wife:   Sure, you’re trying to come up with something clever to say, because you know how pissed off I am that I’ve gained twenty pounds because of you and your goddamned donuts.

Wife:   Does this dress make me look fat?
You:    I can’t hear you. I’m in the shower.
Wife:   You’d hear all right if I said I bought Entenmann’s Chocolate Donuts, wouldn’t you?
You:    What?
Wife:   I BOUGHT ENTENMANN’S CHOCOLATE DONUTS!
You:    We’re having donuts? I thought we were going out.
Wife:   You heard that pretty well didn’t you? Now, I’m coming in there and you’re going to tell me truthfully if this dress makes me look fat.

Wife:   Does this dress make me look fat?
You:    Define “fat.”
Wife:   Twenty pounds overweight.
You:    Define “overweight.”
Wife:   More than I should weigh.
You:    Well, how much do you think you should weigh?
Wife:   Twenty pounds less than I do. And I would, if you didn’t keep bringing those stupid chocolate Donuts into the house.
You:    You’re the one who usually buys them.
Wife:   Yeah, for you. And do you ever buy anything for me?

Wife:   Does this dress make me look fat?
You:    I don’t think so.
Wife:   What do you mean you don’t think so.
You:    I don’t think it makes you look fat.
Wife:   You’re just saying that without even thinking.
You:    No, really. I’m thinking.
Wife:   What’s there to think about? Yes or no? Fat or not?
You:    I was thinking that the dress is terrific, and you look terrific in it.
Wife:   You’re sure?
You:    Absolutely. (Three peaceful minutes go by.)
Wife:   How about this other dress? Does it make me look fat?

You:    Do these pants make me look fat?
Wife:   Yeah.
You:    OK.
Wife:   Wait a minute. Don’t go ‘way. How about this dress? Does it make me look fat?



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24 Responses to “None of the Above”

  1. Survival depends on learning effective ways to avoid questions like these.

  2. MacNutz said

    That’s good. There really is no way to come out good on that one

    I’m the cook around here so I also am personally responsible for all weight gains.

  3. (((Wife))) will occasionally hit me with ones like, “Does my hair look good today?” No matter my answer (“yes.” “well what was wrong with it yesterday?”), I’m wrong. Her best is, “Do you think I’m convenient?” Best answer I’ve come up with is I look her in the eye and say, “I love you.” At which point she pats me on the head and says (in the tone used for usually incontinent elkhounds), “Oh, your such a good boy!”

    I think it is a recessive gene located on the X chromosome. Only people with XX (not XY or XYY) can do this.

  4. J-Co:
    Survival depends on learning effective ways to avoid questions like these.
    Yes, it’s evolutionary: the survival of the well-fitted-est.

    Mac:
    I’m the cook around here …
    But who bakes the donuts?

    (((Billy))):
    I think it is a recessive gene …
    Do these genes make me look recessive?

  5. Pffft! Donuts should be fried. Deep fried. Then dunked in a sugary glaze. Don’t believe me? Get thee to a Krispy Kreme!

    And with my body type, I would love genes that make almost any part of my body recessive.

  6. MacNutz said

    Phew. I live directly above a Starbucks. So they take the blame for donuts. I feel real gratitude for that. But it isn’t the donuts and boxes of ice cream that cause weight gain, oh no. It’s the cornbread and extra oil in the stir fried veggies that cause weight gain, that and all that starchy rice I keep cooking. Poor thing, she would still be a svelte twenty four year old, if not for me.

  7. the chaplain said

    I do solemnly swear on a KJV Bible that such conversations have never taken place in my home.

    Don’t bother checking with the deacon on this, his memory is notoriously faulty about these sorts of matters.

  8. You know, if you brought home Giant African Snail mucus, rather than chocolate donuts, you wouldn’t have these conversations.

  9. SI:

    If you are not intimately familiar with Giant African Snail mucus, you have no business commenting on it. At least that’s what some people keep telling me about their religions.

  10. the chaplain said

    SI:
    Instead of conversing, they’d be fighting over access to the toilet.

  11. srsny said

    How about saying, “You look really sexy.”

  12. My wife was getting all self-righteous and about to go off on a rant…

    wife: Do you know what the difference between you and me is?

    me: About 20 IQ points.

    That was a rough couple of days, but I think it was ultimately worth it.

  13. They have Entenmann’s Chocolate Donuts in Kentucky? Well at least you have some civilization then. I’m sure no Tastykake, though.

    Mrs. Chief doesn’t ask, she asserts, but I’m in the same situation. Whatever response I give will be wrong.

  14. (((Billy))):
    Like most men, I hate to admit this. But I think that all wives’ genes are dominant.

    Mac:
    Poor thing, she would still be a svelte twenty four year old, if not for me.
    Yeah, it seems that the secret to eternal life — for women at least — is to say single.

    Chappy:
    I do solemnly swear on a KJV Bible that such conversations have never taken place in my home.
    Are you saying that you always get dressed outdoors?

    SI:
    … if you brought home Giant African Snail mucus, rather than chocolate donuts, you wouldn’t have these conversations.
    Wife: Does this dress make me look snotty?

    Srsny:
    How about saying, “You look really sexy.”
    Wife: Does this dress make me look fat?
    You: You look really sexy.
    Wife: Oh, now I know why you keep bringing home those Entenmann’s Chocolate Donuts. You get turned on by fat women. No wonder you made me gain twenty pounds.

    Des:
    Wife: Are you saying that this dress makes me look stupid?

    Philly:
    I’m not sure whether we have Tastykake or not. But we’re loaded with Little Debbie products. They make Entenmann’s Chocolate Donuts look dietetic.

    I don’t know how a big galoot like you fits around Mrs. Chief’s little finger, but I’m sure she wears you like a ring.

  15. Braja said

    Have you tried just plain old domestic violence?

  16. Braja:
    I can’t imagine what you’re suggesting; I hope it’s a joke. Although I don’t see the humor.

    I have tried domestic violets, but I’ve found that roses work better.

  17. Susannah said

    F’ing hilarious! I do the same thing to my husband!

  18. Susannah:
    I do the same thing to my husband!
    Please don’t ask me if your comment makes you look fat.

  19. (((Wife))): Does this dress make me look fat?
    (((Me))): No, the fat makes you look fat.

    I really don’t remember anything after that. There’s like a week missing.

    ((((((((((((((((humour (not a real episode))))))))))))))))))

  20. (((Billy))):
    How about:

    (((Wife))): Does this dress make me look fat?
    (((Billy))): Only parenthetically.

  21. the chaplain said

    (((((Parentheses)))) are (((((very)))) ((((((((((fattening)))))))))).

  22. NAL said

    (((Wife))): Does this dress make me look fat?
    (((Billy))): Don’t blame the dress.

  23. NAL:
    How did you ever think of a clever one like that?

  24. Postman said

    Mmmm… Entenmann’s.

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