My Old Kentucky Homesite

I Hope They Use It in Good Health

Posted by Larry Wallberg on 03/22/2010

In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.
— Benjamin Franklin

Instructions for Federal Income Tax Form 1234567980 and Schedules A – Ω

Your First Name and Initial
Enter your first name. For most of you, that would have been “Baby Boy” or “Baby Girl.” Then enter the first initial you can think of. For some odd reason, psychologists have found that it will usually be X, unless you’re employed making vanity license plates, in which case it will most likely be ♥. Instead of picking an arbitrary letter or symbol, you may choose to use your middle initial, which you can calculate by following the steps listed on the Worksheet for Schedule NMN: “How to Determine Your Middle Initial By Taking The First Letter of Your Middle Name and Putting a Period After It.”

Last Name
This will usually be your father’s first name followed by the suffix “-son” (e.g., “Babyboyson,” or occasionally “Babygirlson.”) Certain ethnic groups may use a prefix rather than a suffix (e.g., “McBabyboy,” “de Babyboy,” “bin Babyboy,” etc.)  See Publication112358, “Every Last Name in the World” and Publication 112358A, “Two More That We Forgot.”

Home Address
If you moved during the past year, enter this data in red, unless your move occurred in June, July, or December, in which case enter this data in green, unless you don’t own a green pen, in which case enter the data in blue eye liner followed by the phrase “pretend this is green.” In all other cases, enter the name by which your coinhabitants most commonly address you (e.g., “Dad,” “Hon,” “Gramps,” “Dude”).

Presidential Election Champagne Fund
Check the box if you’d like a portion of your taxes to go toward celebratory alcoholic beverages.

Lines 1-5: Filing Status
Write “Annoyed.”

Lines 6a-d: Exemptions
If you have more than four exemptions, attach a short note explaining how you found the time to fill out this form.

Line 7: Wages, Salaries, Tips, Etc.
Multiply your hourly rate by 2000, add $6.95 for postage and handling, subtract the number of dependent earrings you and your spouse own (Note: You cannot count studs), (Mudville Residents Only: multiply by the number of lines in “Casey at the Bat” you can recite from memory), add the square of the number of times you’ve used a four-letter word since beginning to figure this item, and divide by zero. Your answer should be the nine of clubs. If it’s not, see Table 9C, “How Come Everybody’s Answer Was the Nine of Clubs Except Yours?”

Line 37: Adjusted Really Gross Income
Enter $32.76 or the amount of the federal deficit, whichever is larger. Then wipe your nose in the blank.

Line 37(a): Penalty for Breathing
Most Americans use way too much air, a threatened natural resource. To compute your daily oxygen fee, count the number of breaths you take in a 96-hour period, and divide by four. Multiply the result by $2.99, and write that amount on a check made out to the president or your preacher, whichever is larger.

Line 40(b): Ugly Child Credit
You may be able to take this credit if being seen with your son or daughter is a constant embarrassment. (Note: This credit does not apply if your child is a dog or cat, even in those cases when you refer to yourself as “Mommy.”) The IRS will compute this amount for you if you attach a recent photograph of the child in question.

Line 162(a-z): Multiple-Personality Benefit
Deduct $3,000 for each of your personalities up to nine. If you have ten or more personalities, obtain Schedule UUUUUUUUUU, and follow the instructions for forming a one-man band.

Line 328(y-um): Favorite Flavor
For internal use only.

Line 666
Draw a picture of Satan. You must include horns and a diabolical laugh.

Line 947: Tax on IRA’s
If your name is Ira, double whatever you owe.

Line 10356: Our Form Designer’s Pencil Slipped
In most cases, you may leave this line blank. In all other cases, you may also leave this line blank. For further instructions, see Publication 0: “Have You Drawn a Blank?”

Line Beechwood 4578.9: Old Fart’s Deduction
You may be eligible for an old fart’s deduction, as explained on Schedule OF. Use the Worksheet to write the name of every song you can think of that was sung by the Marvelettes between 1961 and 1965. If you can list more than zero songs, you may subtract $.01 for your thoughts, providing you still have any.

Line 299792458 (c): Refund or Amount You Owe
Think of the largest number you can, add one, and enter the sum here. If, for any reason, you can’t think of a number, enter the word “Everything.” This is the amount of TAX YOU OWE.

Line 299792458 (c).36D: Chest Size
In most instances, in addition to the amount on line 8181, you will owe us your shirt, too. Although this is for internal use only, it will probably be worn externally. If sending a long-sleeved, button-down, dressy style, please include a matching tie. Attach your payment to this form with a clothespin.

Sign Your Return
More importantly, sign your check. If you’ve forgotten your name,  just scribble anything illegible. We don’t care. In the event that you’ve died in the past year, you must designate a third party to sign your name.


8 Responses to “I Hope They Use It in Good Health”

  1. Sounds more fun than ours!

  2. I had the misfortune of going to Walmart last night. I think there are a lot of ugly child credits out there.

  3. the chaplain said

    I don’t have a tie that matches my best blouse. Can I send a brooch instead?

  4. <b<J-Co:
    Oh, yes, it’s a barrel of laughs. And that’s a good thing, because when you’re done, you’ll need to wear it.

    What I see mostly at Walmart are people eligible for old fart deductions and/or multiple-personality benefits.

    It’s fine to substitute a brooch for a tie. See Publication 24K, “Using Gold Jewelry in Lieu of Ties or Cash.”

  5. Postman said

    Dammit. Even though I haven’t breathed in since last April, I still seem to owe money.

  6. Postie:
    And depending on how much carbon dioxide you released into the air, you may have to recalculate your final total. Did you read the instructions for using the Alternative Minimal Exhaling Tax?

  7. Postman said

    Oh. Shit. I’m going to the Big House, aren’t I?

  8. Postie:
    See Publication OS-UR, “Do Not Pass Go.”

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