My Old Kentucky Homesite

The Ten Commandments (World Version)

Posted by Larry Wallberg on 01/26/2010

According to the Judeo-Christian tradition, the Ten Commandments apply to everyone. I decided to see if that was the case, by creating a true World Version.

My method was simple:

First, I visited Google Translate, which can now transit comfortably between 51 languages (or tungumálum as the Icelanders say).

Next, I dropped in the New Revised Standard Version of the  Ten Commandments (Exodus, 20:2-17). Those among you who are mathematically inclined, may notice that there are actually twelve commandments, but what’s an extra commandment or two among friends?

1. I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery.

2. Do not have any other gods before me.

3. You shall not make for yourself an idol, whether in the form of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.

4. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I the Lord your God am a jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and the fourth generation of those who reject me, but showing steadfast love to the thousandth generation of those who love me and keep my commandments.

5. You shall not make wrongful use of the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not acquit anyone who misuses his name.

6. Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy. For six days you shall labour and do all your work. But the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God; you shall not do any work—you, your son or your daughter, your male or female slave, your livestock, or the alien resident in your towns. For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but rested the seventh day; therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and consecrated it.

7. Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.

8. You shall not murder.

9. You shall not commit adultery.

10. You shall not steal.

11. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.

12. You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.

Then, I proceeded to translate the text from English to Afrikaans, from Afrikaans to Albanian, Albanian to Arabic, Arabic to Belarusian, and so on, alphabetically from language to language, until I reached the last one, Yiddish. I must admit that it was tough going there in spots (e.g., from Chinese to Croatian,  from Greek to Hebrew to Hindi, from Korean to Latvian, and from Ukrainian to Vietnamese to Welsh). But God loves all His children, doesn’t hE, and hIs glorious message is meant for all people to share, no matter what ridiculous language they happen to speak, and regardless of whether or not they refer to HiM in caps.

Finally, I had Google translate the result back into English (better known as Английски to you Bulgarians). You may wonder why the original twelve items have become slightly discombobulated, but you must have faith, for gOD works in mysterious ways.  I’m afraid, however, that those untrained in multi-lingual Biblical exegesis may not be able to understand some of the finer points of this historically significant, beautifully poetic, and morally imperative text. So I have included my scholarly notes to help elucidate some of the meanings.

1. Select slave labor camp somewhat Egypt.
LW: 1. Choosing a slave labor camp is somewhat like watching Little Egypt perform.

2 and God.
LW: Give me two of those [pastries(?)] and may God forgive you.

Alcohol is not Mentioned in the air in the 3rd cave.
LW: Thou shalt not mention alcohol aloud on the number three subway train.

Orangtuaku not God, 3 and version 4 and 4 Spirit that you want only the 1000 sentensing children is everything.
LW: The orangutan is not God. And it’s also not software versions 3 and 4.1 and 4.2 (Windows Spirit). If you want the best version, pick up 1000, which parses sentences better than any other. But everything is childish, anyway, no matter what word processor you use.

October 5 for the elderly to use.
LW: October 5th is a day set aside for the elderly to use computers.

6 Do not forget the world champion. I believe that God six days seven days. Make Saturday and education of children and care, not one putrinia, but the foreign vorkers.
LW: 6. Do not forget who the world champions are (NOTE: Currently, the New Yawk Yankees). I believe that God played either Game 6 or Game 7. Make Saturday a day of education and care for children, but don’t spend even one “putrinia” on foreign workers with German accents.

7 Mediterranean world in six days, many Saturday.
LW: 7. The Mediterranean world can be traversed in six days, which should include many Saturdays.

7, and my lord, my mother, God.
LW: (again) 7. My boss = my mother = God.

8 no many.
LW: Eight is not many, but it’s enough.

No Relationship 9.
LW: Thou shalt not have sexual relations with nine people.

10
LW: I’m God, and I can skip number 10 if I want to.

Aixekaras B, Animal 11.
LW: Aixekaras B. is an animal!!

12 cattle berasumsi and asinnod, or Neighbors jealous neighbor or Spouse, for example, can not operate, or if there are civil servants.
LW: 12. Thou shalt not keep company with cattle, Mr. Berasumsi, and someone asinine – or the neighbors will be jealous. By the way, your neighbor and your spouse are setting some example, huh?  Their sexual organs may seem to be out of commission, but it’s only because there are civil servants in the area.

The world would be a much better place if all humanity followed these few precepts. So please see that you do. (Yes, you too, Aixekaras!)

[Addendum: Yes, readers, you may feel free to suggest the posting of this World Version at the courthouse or government office of your choice.]

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25 Responses to “The Ten Commandments (World Version)”

  1. yunshui said

    That was hilarious. No. 7 – very Freudian… I will definitely be living my life according to these wise precepts in future.

  2. yunshui:
    May God grant you much hilarity.
    भगवान तुम्हें बहुत आनंद प्रदान करते हैं. (Hindi)
    (cibarA) قد أعطاك الله الكثير من المرح.
    พระเจ้า ทรง ประทาน ให้ แก่ คุณ มาก สนุก. (Thai)
    (hsiddiY) גאָט גאַווע איר נאָך שפּאַס.
    (Back to English) God slobber you more fun.

  3. srsny said

    I am amused not only by the translation results but also by the automatically generated “possibly related posts.”

  4. Srsny:
    Unfortunately, that “possibly related posts” nonsense doesn’t work both ways.
    Or, to put it in Googlorean:
    불행히도, “그 가능성이”말도 안되는 두 가지 작동하지 않는 게시물 관련.
    (English translation: Unfortunately, “the possibility” that does not make any sense two operating-related posts.)

    I can’t decide which cracks me up more: God or Google.

  5. Kirk M said

    Ah, the Ten Commandments ala Larry Wallberg. Most excellent, sir. Perhaps I should wash a few of my previous posts through Google? Might improve them a bit.

  6. Kirk:
    Perhaps I should wash a few of my previous posts through Google?

    Yes, Google Translate will wash them clean of meaning.
    Or, in Gooczech: Ano, bude Google Translate vyprat čisté významu.
    Which in English means, of course: Yes, the Google Translate importance of clean laundry.

    So God is apparently demanding that we rinse our underwear once in a while.
    This conclusion can easily be verified by sneaking a quick look at Exodus 34:26, which says:

    The first of the firstfruits of the loom thou shalt bring unto the laundromat of the LORD thy God. And supplieth thyself with plenty of quarters, for lo!, thy skivvies needeth two full cycles.

  7. Evie said

    It’s about time someone translated #7 properly – I’ve been telling my sons that for years. As for the skivvies, a bit of bleach may help you finish them in one cycle. You can thank me by sending me the quarters you save.

  8. Evie:
    Obviously you (and Yunshui, above) are referring to (again) 7. Someone (who shall remain nameless) seems to have rested a little too long on the 7th day, so that it spilled over into an extra day. Whether this was Thursday-Friday, Friday-Saturday, Saturday-Sunday, Sunday-Monday, or Tuesday-Doomsday depends on which religion you follow. You’d think that the creator of time could have taken a few seconds to synchronize everyone’s clocks, but noooooooooo. Instead, we were given free will to print our calendars with whatever ridiculous pictures we wanted.

  9. […] Larry Wallberg (whom some of you may remember as the author of No More Hornets, but who now runs My Old Kentucky Homesite) still has a bee in his bonnet about the Ten Commandments, which apparently can be displayed in US courthouses – if you’re a theocratic moron like Judges McKeague and Forester. Mind you, if they have to be on show, Larry has found a way of making them a bit more globally relevant… […]

  10. It is interesting that the only commandments that are illegal by American law, 8, 10, and 11, are those rendered most meaningless.

  11. Des:
    Apparently, you’ve never met Aixekaras B. Calling him an animal is an understatement.

  12. I’ve been tempted to use this method on some of the godbot spammers who leave cut-and-paste comments.

    Where do I sign up for this six day Med cruise?

  13. (((Billy))):
    I think you’re gonna need your meds for more than six days.

  14. You tell me where to sign up for the six day Mediterranian cruise and I promise I’ll take my meds.

  15. (((Billy))):
    Well, the first thing you’ll have to do is tithe. Since I’m the divine lawgiver’s representative here on Earth, you should make out your check for 10% of your salary to me. Alternatively, you can use PayPal, or just get on the Kentucky-bound bus with your piggy bank. After you make your donation, the cruise is free. Don’t worry about signing up; just pray hard enough and the ship will find you. If it doesn’t, you’ll have only yourself to blame for not praying correctly.

  16. I thought His representative was the Postman.

  17. (((Billy))):
    Must be a different god. The divine lawgiver above referenced is the one who’s offering that Mediterranean cruise. I think the Postman’s god confines himself to the Caribbean.

  18. Postman said

    Oi! My Gawd is all-vacationing! There is no vacation package which He has not sampled… and that most assuredly includes the 6 Days, 5 Nights, Buffet & Bar Included cruise of the Mediterranean.
    On the other hand… He’s never paid for anyone else’s cruise in His life. Even Noah had to stump up the fare for himself and family.

  19. Postie:
    If your god is so great, how come he doesn’t go on a 6 Days, 8 Nights, Sit-down Dinner with All You Can Drink cruise? In fact, why does he need a cruise at all? My god can just get out of the boat and walk!

    I think your god’s a fake.

  20. Postman said

    Of course, you know… this means [Holy] war.

    I declare a fatwah on your delicious chicken.

    P.S. – Water-wings don’t count.

  21. Postie:
    My god forbids the eating of chicken. That’s convenient, because I don’t happen to care for fowl unless it’s smothered in some kind of sauce. Fortunately, my god urges using all varieties of gravy. So your fatwah means nothing to me.

    I’m happy as long as I can continue eating pork, which, coincidentally, my god encourages.

  22. Postman said

    Mr. Wallberg,

    (If, in fact, that is your name), My Gawd doesn’t consider Himself to be in the business of encouraging anything much… unless it’s for the air-waitress to bring more scotch and the maid service to leave an extra chocolate on His pillow. He is, however, a Universe Class Vacationer and I defy your god to ignore the human race with more aplomb and je ne sais quoi than [the one true] Gawd.

  23. Postie:
    Well, the divine lawgiver also has a proud record of paying no mind whatsoever to humans or their petty suffering. Aside from hiring a courier to deliver the ten (or maybe twelve, but who’s counting?) rules referenced in my post, the old guy has been resting for eons. Maybe even forever. I’m beginning to fear that you and I are talking about the same deity. So let’s find out.

    Does yours have a long white beard, except when he’s his own son?

  24. Postman said

    Holy Hairdressers!

    Long, white beard; check.
    Can also be clean-shaven, short-haired Republican Jesus or clean-shaven, long-haired Hippy Jesus; check.

    That crafty old bastard.

  25. Postie:
    I guess our joint deity should forthwith be referred to as the wall poster god.

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