My Old Kentucky Homesite

The Creationist Art Gallery

Posted by Larry Wallberg on 07/17/2010

[Note: My best friend is coming to visit me here in the Blew Gas State, and we were discussing what kinds of uniquely Kentucky things we might do and see during her stay: a tour of a bourbon distillery, an afternoon at the Horse Park, a stop at Henry Clay’s house, perhaps even a journey to the local mall to watch how Southerners genteelly elbow one another at a sale. We also discussed renting some movies and having a film festival featuring the works of Lexington native George Clooney. Oddly, I neglected to mention the Creation Museum, even though it’s less than 90 miles away, and one of the reasons I’m proud to be a Jeezuckian. My wife and I keep talking about what a hoot it would be to spend some time surrounded by Christians oohing and ahhing at nonsense, but we’ve yet to make the trip; my friend’s visit might be just the push we need to get off our asses and go mingle with our dinosaur-riding ancestors. Or perhaps we could pass a few pleasant hours at the Creationist Art Gallery, described below in this revised old post.]

Everyone knows about the Creation Museum of Faux Science, which celebrated its third anniversary recently. Less well publicized, however, is its sister house of learning, the Creationist Art Gallery. Fortunately, though, I have a copy of the gallery’s catalog, and I can assure you that the displays there demonstrate the same kind of careful attention to scientific and historical truth as the ones at the more well-known venue. Below, I’ve reproduced twelve pages from the catalog, just to give you an idea of the high quality of the exhibits. (Note: I’ve taken the liberty of correcting the many spelling, grammatical, and punctuation errors in the published text. The content, however, is reproduced verbatim.)

ITEMS FROM THE CATALOG

Unknown Pagan Egyptian Artist: Dawkinubis, the God of Evolution (circa 1500 B.C.)

The ancient Egyptians had many weird beliefs, unlike modern-day Evangelical Christians. Here, their god of Evolution is depicted with the head of a lying jackal and the body of Tom Cruise. The long staff-like object in his left hand is known as a Dennett, the symbol for a dangerous idea. Notice, however, that his right hand grasps an Egyptian cross, representing the sacrifice of our Lord. Art historians believe that the anonymous Egyptian sculptor was attempting to depict a “compromise” between science and Christianity, an endeavor we now know to be impossible.

Edgar Degas: Degenerate Scientists (1876)

Like most enlightened persons of his day, Degas realized that the pursuit of science, at the expense of religion, leads one into a life of immorality. In this frightening portrait of two evolutionists, Degas perfectly captures the spiritual emptiness of his subjects.

John Trumbull: The Beginnings of a Christian Nation (1817)

This famous painting shows the Continental Congress of 1776, as the draft of the Declaration of Independence is being presented. The tall red-headed Christian in the middle is Thomas Jefferson, flanked by Christian John Adams on his right, Christian Benjamin Franklin on his left, and a couple of Christian guys you never heard of. If you look closely at all the faces, you’ll notice that everyone present is contemplating God.

Francisco Goya: Darwin Eating His Child (1821-23)

It’s a little-known fact, fortunately documented for posterity by Goya, that Charles Darwin once ate one of his children. Darwin and the child were both completely undressed at the time.

Edvard Munch: Don’t Let This Happen to Your Kid! (1893)

In the early 1890s, Munch visited a number of high school biology classes in Norway. He was much moved by the reactions of students while they were being taught evolutionary theory. In this painting, the artist captures perfectly the emotions of one of the children, who has just heard the evil propaganda that his parents were monkeys. It is not known for sure whether the boy jumped over the bridge or not, but wouldn’t you?

Vincent Van Gogh: Self-Portrait with Bandaged Ear (1889)

A few days before painting this masterpiece, Van Gogh recorded in his journal: Today, I attended a lecture on the origin of species. I couldn’t stand what I was hearing. I never want to have to listen to that kind of nonsense again! Art historians agree that the artist cut off his ear a few minutes after lowering his pen. While the curators of the Creationist Art Gallery do not necessarily condone Van Gogh’s extreme response, we do applaud his faith, and are comforted by the knowledge that his ear was reattached when he arrived in heaven.

Edouard Manet: Picnic with Godless Yankee Commie Homo-supporting Baby-killing Bastards (1863)

Here we see a quartet of secularists despoiling the lovely Kentucky landscape with their atheistic food and ideas. The particular spot they’ve chosen is on a mountaintop scheduled to be removed to make way for some glorious Christian coal-mining.  In the background, a member of the eternally damned party is examining a dinosaur dropping, while nearby, unbeknownst to her, is a remnant of Noah’s ark. If you look very closely, you may notice that one of the women is naked! (Note: For a nominal fee, smelling salts are available to revive swooning ladies.)

Auguste Rodin: Nude Supreme Court Justice (1880)

As everyone knows, Rodin predicted — and deplored — the Roe v. Wade opinion nearly 100 years before it was handed down by the Supreme Court. In this famous work, the artist depicts an unidentified Supreme Court Justice (many art historians believe that it’s Antonin Scalia), as he struggles to come up with a rationale for overturning legal precedent. Although this sculpture is not directly related to creationism, we thought you should see it before signing the petition in the gift shop.

Jacques Louis David: Dover, December 2005 (2006)

The figure in the center of the canvas is the world’s most respected scientist and pre-eminent Intelligent Design proponent, Michael Behe. The agonized disciples surrounding him are various upstanding Christian members of the Dover, Pennsylvania School Board. After a ridiculously biased and completely unscientific decision rendered by United States District Judge John E. Jones III, the citizens of Dover have been forbidden to teach Creationism in their public schools. In this painting, however, the artist shows Behe pointing upward at Christ in Heaven, promising his faithful followers that God will soon reveal his Truth to all. The scroll on the ground near the foot of the bed is an original copy of Of Pandas and People. Off to the left, you might be able to spot a group of villainous biologists, chuckling in the background as they climb the stairs.

Pablo Picasso: Woman Without Intelligent Design (1937)

For Picasso, who loved the female form, it was a sin of the highest magnitude to deny that woman had been created expressly for man’s pleasure by God. Over the course of his long life, the artist depicted, over and over again, his nightmarish visions of what women would look like if the Divine Intelligence had not been involved in their design. The subject of the painting is crying because she happened to catch a glimpse, in a heathen-crafted mirror, of what her non-created self would look like. Art historians believe that the model for this particular portrait was Picasso’s ninth-grade science teacher.

Salvador Dali: Nothing Gets Made by Accident (1931)

It should be evident to even the smallest child that someone created those watches in the painting. Therefore, God must have made the world, although it’s not quite as droopy as the items shown. If you add up the times on the faces of the watches, you’ll easily see that they total 6,000 years — the exact age of the universe!

G. Beck: Huge-Penised Flying Devil Monkey (2010)

The artist created this work to show the danger of Darwinism. In this beautifully Photoshopped illustration, noted scholar Beck depicts the Satanic creature from whom evil-utionists would like to teach your children that they’re descended. Is this the kind of socialist propaganda you want your sons and daughters to learn?

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22 Responses to “The Creationist Art Gallery”

  1. Ralph said

    This is one reason I hate to admit I’m from Kentucky. Even though we aren’t blessed with a creation museum we have a large supply of bible thumpers. I overheard a group of them who seem to think Jesus is amoung us now and the rapture is near. Be prepared.

  2. Ralph:
    I wonder if Jesus will take a lesson from his favorite museum and charge an exorbitant admission fee for the Rapture Ride. I’ve heard that the first 700 people in line get a free autographed picture of Pat Robertson. If you flash your copy of that photo at the pearly gates, you get a free grande coffee with the purchase of any lime Jell-O product.

  3. If you look closely at all the faces, you’ll notice that everyone present is contemplating God.

    I find it difficult to differentiate the “contemplating God” look from the “intestinal discomfort” look.

    I am reminded of a babble verse. Allow me to paraphrase: “If thine ear offend thee, cut it off. And mail it to a friend. Preferably C.O.D.”

    As for Antonin Scalia, I think the liberals must accept the truth. He is not only a brilliant thinker, but also a sexy, sexy man.

  4. Des:
    I find it difficult to differentiate the “contemplating God” look from the “intestinal discomfort” look.
    That’s because you’re a heathen.

    By the way: I agree that Antonin Scalia may is a sexy, sexy man — but only to Clarence Thomas.

  5. My best friend is coming to visit me here in the Blew Gas State, and we were discussing what kinds of uniquely Kentucky things we might do and see during her stay:

    Don’t forget about Shaker Town, if y’all’s itinerary ain’t full. ;)

    Really though, the area is well known amongst geologists for its unusual stratigraphy/sedimentology, and some of the finest Mid/Late Ordovician inverts to be found, anywhere. So, check out some of the local outcrops.

    BTW, I recently found your blog, and it is spot on.

    There was once, long ago, another… atheist blogger??? from the Central Kentucky region. If you are unfamiliar, check out the writings of Charles Moore- a man way ahead of his times.

  6. I would think their gallery would just be full of work from Bob Ross.

  7. Solius:
    Thanks for the tip about Shaker Town. But a whole store devoted to salt and pepper shakers? Those gifts sound a little too simple for me.

    Charles Chilton Moore was indeed a noteworthy Kentuckian, and needs to be included on more lists of famous people from the Blew Gas State. Perhaps the listing powers-that-be could remove one of the many obscure sports figures and substitute Moore in his place.

    Philly:
    Bob Ross, who was considered The local celebrity back in Daytona Beach where I used to live, is not recognized as an artist by the Creation Museum. That’s because he was a Mormon. As everyone knows, Mormons are not true Christians; they believe that when man and the dinosaurs were cavorting together a few millennia ago, all the creatures wore magical underpants.

    But if you’d like to learn how to paint snow-capped mountains, or clouds, or evergreens, this website on “The Annoyance of Painting” will teach you everything you need to know to be a successful artist.

  8. Postman said

    Heck, Larry, if you’re going to be seeing all the great Kentucky landmarks, don’t forget Kentucky Action Park.
    I worked at Horse Cave Theatre many years ago and actor housing was directly behind this place. Sunday mornings rang with the sound of Wild West gunfights and the guy who ran the water slide looked exactly like Jerry Garcia.

  9. Postie:
    OH, yeah, we’ll put that on our list, because we’re both sure to love Trampoline Thing with bungees for flipping and turning.” I don’t think I’ve ever flipped or turned a bungee.

  10. Ralph said

    Mammoth cave is worth seeing. There is no theism underground. I love the rivers here in West Ky. I can watch them for hours and think of the history they could tell if only they could speak. If you open your eyes and mind there is a lot of beauty in Kentucky. Hope you and your friend enjoy the Commonwealth.

  11. Ralph:
    Thanks for the suggestion. I’d thought of Mammoth Cave as a possible outing, but it would mean about five hours worth of driving (total: forth and back) in one day. I don’t think we’ll want to spend that much time cooped up in a car during her short visit. However, I’m fairly certain that there are some interesting natural locations closer to Lexington. Any recommendations?

  12. Postman said

    A “trampoline thing”, eh? It’s only gotten classier in the intervening years.

  13. Postman said

    Oh, it just occurred to me that I played the schoolteacher in “Inherit The Wind” while I was there. Who do you think your fellow Kentuckians were rooting for in that trial?

  14. Ralph said

    These aren’t natural sites, but you might like the Center for Kentucky History in Frankfort. Or
    the State Botanical Gardens there in Lexington.

    Postman

    I don’t know who they were rooting for, but John Scopes is from Paducah, Ky. and is buried there.

  15. Postie:
    It’s not just any old trampoline thing. It’s the Trampoline Thing.

    Who do you think your fellow Kentuckians were rooting for in that trial?
    Either Jesus or the Wildcats.

    Ralph:
    Oh, I’d forgotten about the Center for Kentucky History. And your mention of that also reminded me of the two competing Daniel Boone forts, the one in Richmond and the other in Harrodsburg. Unfortunately, the kitschy outdoor extravaganza called “The Legend of Daniel Boone” closed its non-doors about seven years ago.

  16. Few places with in about 1.5 hours of Lexington include:

    Louisville area- the Louisville Science Center, Zoo, Falls of the Ohio fossil beds and the interpretive center,Frazier Historical Arms Museum(I think that it is the only museum that shares a reciprocal agreement with the Tower of London,)Ky Derby Museum.

    Cincinnati- Museum of Natural History, Zoo(one of the better ones in the east).

    Red River Gorge about an hour east of Lexington(though really, it is best in the winter)

    About the only thing redeemable in Fayette Co, that I can think of, is Raven Run nature sanctuary. Well, the Dept. of Anthropology has a nice museum(damn! just checked; it closed 2 years ago due to inadequate funding. Call the dept, some of it might still be there.)

  17. … also, Cumberland Falls State Park outside of Corbin.

  18. Solius:
    Thanks for the suggestions. I’ve been to the Louisville Zoo; it’s nice, but not worth a special trip. Don’t forget: my friend and I grew up in New Yawk, where we were spoiled by the world-famous Bronx Zoo.

    But that venerable institution hasn’t always been a place to be proud of. Has any other zoo in America ever — yikes! — exhibited a Congolese pygmy in its Monkey House?

  19. A while back, the Cincinnati Zoo’s Primate Center was recognized as the best in the world. I think that they have lost some of their researchers, but it is still worth the trip if you like primates.

  20. Solius:
    Most of my best friends are primates, although their level of primitivism varies from person to person.

  21. the chaplain said

    the kitschy outdoor extravaganza called “The Legend of Daniel Boone”

    I saw that show years ago when I lived in the Blew Gas state. I also saw one about the Civil War, I mean War Between the States I mean War of Northern Aggression, called “Wilderness Road.” I think that one shut down a few years ago too.

    You and your guest could always just do a real Kentucky activity and bet on the races at the Red Mile.

  22. Chappy:
    Many of those oudoor dramas were written by Paul Green, or — like Harrodsburg’s Daniel Boone extravaganza — modeled on his ideas. Green is responsible for, among others: The Lost Colony (Roanoke), The Common Glory (Jamestown), Wilderness Road (Berea, KY), The Stephen Foster Story (Bardstown, KY), Cross and Sword (St. Augustine), Texas (Canyon, TX), Trumpet in the Land (New Philadelphia, OH), and The Lone Star (Galveston). Some of those stupid epics are still running, but they’re definitely a throwback to passion plays and other outdoor entertainments meant to stir the morons.

    The Red Mile would have been a great idea either earlier or later in the summer. Right now, there are no races. Too bad, because I would have really liked to lose some money.

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