I’ve heard every one of these arguments, and so have you. These versions may be slightly exaggerated. But only slightly.
1. If there were no God, there would be no bible, because the writers of the bible were inspired by God. So if there’s a bible, there must be a God. There’s definitely a bible, because I saw a whole stack of them on sale at WalMart. So there must be a God at WalMart, too.
2. Somebody definitely loves me, because I feel loved. But everybody who knows me thinks I’m a creep. So there must be a God.
3.If you can imagine a God, there must be one, because your imagination really sucks.
4. Since every living thing changes, somebody must have set that change in motion. Obviously, that couldn’t have been you, because you don’t even change your socks when you need to. So it must have been God.
5. My gun-toting Christian neighbor says I’d better believe.
6. Everybody throughout history believed in a God. Except Hitler. Doesn’t that tell you something?
7. Since there’s no logic unless there’s a God, you can’t prove to me logically that there’s no God. Ergo, there IS a God. QED, WTF, & ROFLMAO.
8. The universe must have had a beginning. So it’s exactly like a story. Since a story has a writer, someone must have written the universe. Obviously, he had to have used a gigantic invisible pen, because computers weren’t invented yet. Only God is strong enough to write legibly with that kind of pen.
9. You can’t desire something that doesn’t exist. I desired a shiny red Chevy pick-up that cost less than $500. Sure enough, I found one in an ad in the paper, even though it was dirty white and it didn’t have a working engine or any windows, and it still set me back 750 bucks. Therefore, God exists.
10. If there’s no God, how do you explain this voice in my head, huh? Did you ever think of that, you wacko atheists?
11. Everything has a cause. Nothing happens by accident. So somebody must have had a reason for creating the world. There are two possibilities who that somebody was: either God or an atheist. But by their own admission, all atheists say that they weren’t around when the world was created. So it must have been God.
12. You can’t have any ideas if you have no brain in your head. However, some ideas have been around for a very long time, maybe even 6,000 years. Clearly, no person’s brain is that old. So who can be thinking all those ideas? Only God has a head that can last so long, although I think it would look much nicer if he trimmed his nose hairs.
13. How else can you explain the fact that there are exactly 60 seconds in a minute, and exactly sixty minutes in an hour, and exactly 6o hours in two and a half days, and exactly 60 days in two months (except for the weird ones like January, February, March, May, July, August, October, and December)? That didn’t happen just by accident.
14. Where would human morals come from if there was no God eager to torture us eternally for not believing in him?
15. Without a God, what a poor, pathetic, pointless place Kentucky would be.
16. According to your stupid theories, I would still be a monkey if there was no God. Obviously, I’m not a monkey. Right? Right?
17. Since Nature is perfect, it must be God’s creation. I thought of that today while I was fertilizing my begonias and spraying for aphids.
18. If I pray hard enough, my Entenmann’s Chocolate Donut will turn into Jesus’s body. (NOTE: Some Christian sects think that you can substitute a Hostess Sno Ball. But they’re wrong, because it makes no sense for Jesus to enter anything with coconut.) I know that Jesus’s body becomes one with my donut (although not necessarily with the hole), because I feel as if I’m in heaven with him every time I eat an ECD. So if I pray sincerely before I eat one, I’ll go to heaven. As long as I don’t chew.
19. If there weren’t a God to give humans a code of morality, we’d all be godless commie homosexual baby-killers. And, even worse, nobody would ever vacuum.
20. I think country music is beautiful, and so do most of my friends. But my wife left me, and my girlfriend died, and I can’t find a job, and I’m hooked on lite beer, and I’m in jail for serial littering, and the Wildcats lost the championship. So how come I can still tell that a song is beautiful when I hear it? Therefore, there must be a God who made little green apples.
21. A miracle can take place only if there’s a God. It’s a miracle that you’ve read this list. Need I say more?