My Old Kentucky Homesite

Archive for the ‘Domestic Policy’ Category

None of the Above

Posted by Larry Wallberg on 03/13/2010

Wallberg’s Law:
When your wife asks “Does this dress make me look fat?” you’ll wind up in an argument no matter how you answer.

Examples:

Wife:   Does this dress make me look fat?
You:    Yeah
Wife:   Screw you! If you didn’t always have those Entenmann’s Chocolate Donuts in the house, I’d be twenty pounds thinner.

Wife:   Does this dress make me look fat?
You:    No.
Wife:   Don’t you even look at me any more? You didn’t even notice that I’ve gained twenty pounds? Are you blind?

Wife:   Does this dress make me look fat?
You:    No, it fits perfectly.
Wife:   Yeah, it fits a fat person perfectly. Can’t you even see that it’s two sizes larger than my other dresses?

Wife:   Does this dress make me look fat?
You:    You look beautiful.
Wife:   Since when are you an expert on beauty? Every woman you ever look at is about twenty pounds overweight.

Wife:   Does this dress make me look fat?
You:    You look great.
Wife:   That’s what you always say about an Entenmann’s Chocolate Donut. “Oh, that looks great, Honey.” Am I some kind of donut to you?

Wife:   Does this dress make me look fat?
You:    (thirty second pause)
Wife:   How come you didn’t answer.
You:    I’m thinking.
Wife:   Sure, you’re trying to come up with something clever to say, because you know how pissed off I am that I’ve gained twenty pounds because of you and your goddamned donuts.

Wife:   Does this dress make me look fat?
You:    I can’t hear you. I’m in the shower.
Wife:   You’d hear all right if I said I bought Entenmann’s Chocolate Donuts, wouldn’t you?
You:    What?
Wife:   I BOUGHT ENTENMANN’S CHOCOLATE DONUTS!
You:    We’re having donuts? I thought we were going out.
Wife:   You heard that pretty well didn’t you? Now, I’m coming in there and you’re going to tell me truthfully if this dress makes me look fat.

Wife:   Does this dress make me look fat?
You:    Define “fat.”
Wife:   Twenty pounds overweight.
You:    Define “overweight.”
Wife:   More than I should weigh.
You:    Well, how much do you think you should weigh?
Wife:   Twenty pounds less than I do. And I would, if you didn’t keep bringing those stupid chocolate Donuts into the house.
You:    You’re the one who usually buys them.
Wife:   Yeah, for you. And do you ever buy anything for me?

Wife:   Does this dress make me look fat?
You:    I don’t think so.
Wife:   What do you mean you don’t think so.
You:    I don’t think it makes you look fat.
Wife:   You’re just saying that without even thinking.
You:    No, really. I’m thinking.
Wife:   What’s there to think about? Yes or no? Fat or not?
You:    I was thinking that the dress is terrific, and you look terrific in it.
Wife:   You’re sure?
You:    Absolutely. (Three peaceful minutes go by.)
Wife:   How about this other dress? Does it make me look fat?

You:    Do these pants make me look fat?
Wife:   Yeah.
You:    OK.
Wife:   Wait a minute. Don’t go ‘way. How about this dress? Does it make me look fat?



Posted in Dangling Conversations, Domestic Policy, Seriously Silly | 24 Comments »