My Old Kentucky Homesite

Psssst. Your Thread Is Open.

Posted by Larry Wallberg on 03/29/2010

Where is the thread now? Off again!
— Robert Browning

One way that some of my BlogWorld colleagues inflate hit-counts is to publish blank posts and to call them “open threads.” In an “open thread,” the writer essentially says to his or her readers, “Shit, I got nothing. So talk amongst yourselves.”

I’ve always avoided open threads because, regardless of what a post’s alleged topic is, my commenters are already encouraged to write whatever the hell happens to pop into their heads. (NOTE: there’s usually only one head per commenter, but multi-headed individuals are welcome here.) I often enjoy rambling off-course myself; that’s the way natural conversations flow in real life. But I do pride myself on being able to kick-start a discussion by spouting off on a subject of my own choosing.

When I thumbed through the newspaper this Sunday, however, I was pissed off by so many of the stories therein, that I just couldn’t make up my mind which one to write about. So I’m going to leave the choice of subjects to my readers. To get you inspired, I’m including ten fill-in-the-blank sentences. This is not a quiz, so don’t bother trying to come up with a correct answer. (For example, most blanks could reasonably be completed by writing the phrase “Lexington native George Clooney.”) Just choose one sentence, finish it in your own words, and then use it as a prompt to spur your imagination.

1. Although UK hoopsters lost their shot at winning the NCAA basketball tournament, that didn’t stop the Herald-Leader from devoting about half its pages to ____________________.

2. At a Tea Party rally in Nevada on Saturday, the writing on Sarah Palin’s hand said ____________________.

3. United Nations inspectors in Iran acted shocked, shocked to find evidence that President Ahmadinejad had ____________________.

4. Apparently, Pope Benedict was not entirely honest about ____________________.

5. On Monday night, Barack Obama will attend a Passover seder, at which his daughters will pretend to be ____________________.

6. A Lexington woman decorated her house with more than 1700 lights, dozens of egg-shaped characters, brightly colored bunnies and chicks, and a cross draped with ____________________.

7. On Saturday, Kentucky’s Senator Jim Bunning was forcibly inducted into ____________________.

8. The city had intended to spend nearly a gazillion dollars on a Downtown Master Plan to make Lexington into a real place, but efforts came to a sudden halt when it was revealed that ____________________.

9. The delusional President of Saint Joseph Hospital compared his facility to the Ritz-Carlton because ___________________.

10. As he has done every goddamned Sunday since 1951, Dennis the Menace once again annoyed ____________________.

If none of the above topics interest you, don’t be shy about commenting on your favorite color, or the flick you saw yesterday on Turner Classic Movies, or your most recent trip to the dentist. I’m looking forward to a fascinating chat.

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25 Responses to “Psssst. Your Thread Is Open.”

  1. At a Tea Party rally in Nevada on Saturday, the writing on Sarah Palin’s hand said
    1. Parenticide Kills Me.
    2. Slay a Senator.
    3. Dispatch a Democrat.
    4. Congress: It’s a Hit!

  2. srsny said

    You know I can’t make up my mind
    1 victory parties
    2 it’s pronounced mick-CANE
    3 an equally unpronouncible first name
    4 perverts or nazis
    4b anything
    5 the young son who is too young to inquire
    6 the shroud of turin
    7 the lexington gay and lesbian alliance
    8 lexington is really in massachusettes
    9 food delivery is kind of like room service
    10 ok it’s supposed to be mr wilson but I’m going to say “millions of readers”

    I apologize for any mistakes I am writing on my friggin blackberry

  3. 1. blue-and-white fashions
    2. don’t say “knocked-up sluts”
    3. been self-medicating with plutonium enemas
    4. the Holy See’s extravigant shoe budget
    5. Egyptian taskmasters
    6. a human pelt
    7. the shower
    8. downtown is located on an ancient Indian burial ground
    9. the reasonable cost of a night’s stay
    10. the parish priest by wearing a chastity belt

  4. extravigant extravagent

  5. Re. #4 I can’t figure why the Vatican doesn’t abolish the celibacy requirement. With so much pedophilia news breaking steadily since the 1990s (80s?), priests have undoubtedly been molesting children for centuries – and will continue to do so.

    Few men are capable of celibacy. And as I recall from psych courses, the profile for a pedophile is most often a man with psychological issues that prevent him from establishing adult sexual relationships.

    The continuing scandals appear to verify what would seem likely: that a celibate priesthood will attract a disproportional number of pedophiles as compared to the general population. If you have psychological issues that keep you from adult sexual relationships anyway, signing on for a life of celibacy just isn’t problematic in the way it would be for most people.

  6. I just noticed I misspelled my correction. I give up.

  7. Susannah said

    I missed yesterday’s paper because I was in Cincinnati shopping for kosher food for my atheist Passover sedar. Who knew God was such a bureaucrat?

  8. Going:
    What? No cross-outs? For that matter: No crosses?

    Srsny:
    Good answers. Numbers 1, 2, and especially 7 made me laugh. However, even though you were trying to be funny, number 9 is no more ridiculous than what he actually claimed. So the lesson is: When it comes to Kentucky news, it’s impossible to make up anything stupider than what really happened.

    Des:
    Good answers from you, too. In your case, the gems were numbers 4 and 5, and that terrifically nasty 10, which cleverly linked back to a previous sentence.

    By the way: extravigant extravagent extravagint overly fancy

    Paul:
    I think your point may be well taken, although “celibacy” is only one factor in the phenomenon of priestly pedophilia. But the Catholic Church, of course, disputes it. If you want to read an absolutely infuriating string of lies and misrepresentations about priests and pedophilia, check this out.

    I do give credit to today’s Church for modernizing somewhat. Catholics no longer approve of cutting off a young boy’s nuts so that he can sing sweetly forever. In case you’re wondering: Castrati were capable of getting erections — and holding them even longer than men who could ejaculate. Several of those boy sopranos became celebrated “womanizers” in their day.

    Susannah:
    You didn’t have to go all the way to Cincinnati. Why didn’t you just call me to recite an atheist prayer over your knaydlach?

    And here are five tips for making your seder more successful:
    (1) Don’t hide the afikoman in the toilet.
    (2) No matter what he claims, that strange man in the Wildcats jersey is not Eliyohu Hanavi.
    (3) When drinking kosher-for-Passover wine, you’ll be able to bear the taste much better if you first down three or four martinis.
    (4) Nobody really likes flourless sponge cake. Just serve Entenmann’s Chocolate Donuts and pretend that they were baked by orthodox Jews.
    (5) To properly indoctrinate your children about their cultural heritage, when they ask the four questions, answer them with irrelevant details about why they should go to medical school.

  9. Linwood said

    1. Although UK hoopsters lost their shot at winning the NCAA basketball tournament, that didn’t stop the Herald-Leader from devoting about half its pages to American Serfdom.
    2. At a Tea Party rally in Nevada on Saturday, the writing on Sarah Palin’s hand said “our country is NOT surfdom – only Hawaii”.
    3. United Nations inspectors in Iran acted shocked, shocked to find evidence that President Ahmadinejad had used serfs in nuclear experiments.
    4. Apparently, Pope Benedict was not entirely honest about the number of serfs abused by priests.
    5. On Monday night, Barack Obama will attend a Passover seder, at which his daughters will pretend to be jewish serfs.
    6. A Lexington woman decorated her house with more than 1700 lights, dozens of egg-shaped characters, brightly colored bunnies and chicks, and a cross draped with christian serfs dipped in chocolate.
    7. On Saturday, Kentucky’s Senator Jim Bunning was forcibly inducted into the American Society of Serfs (ASS).
    8. The city had intended to spend nearly a gazillion dollars on a Downtown Master Plan to make Lexington into a real place, but efforts came to a sudden halt when it was revealed that it would take more than a gazillion dollars to extricate Lexingtonians from Serfdom.
    9. The delusional President of Saint Joseph Hospital compared his facility to the Ritz-Carlton because there is, in fact, no practical difference between the serfdom of workers in the hospitality and medical industries. Or, to make it topical, “Ma nishtana has oved ha ze mi col ha ovdim?”
    10. As he has done every goddamned Sunday since 1951, Dennis the Menace once again annoyed the hell out of the Good Serf, Mr. Wilson, and was subsequently kicked out of the American Society of Serfs. Which is good to know. At least there’s a way out of serfdom for the common American worker. Piss off the bosses. To the baricades! What this country needs is a good revolution.
    Is my thinking a little single-minded?

  10. Linwood:

    All that, and no mention of either Papa Serf or Serfette?

  11. srsny said

    Linwood:

    Excellent (and consistent) responses – not once did you vassal-ate.

  12. Linwood:
    Thanks for your serf-ey of American culture. I agree that our most respected institutions peon the public. I hate to drudge up references from my childhood, but as Porky Pig might say, “That’s thrall, folks.”

    By the way: It took me a while to figure out what that Hebrew transliteration meant. When I finally got it, I laughed — even though there wasn’t a minion.

    Des:
    You neglected to note that the comment by Linwood also lacked any reference to Miguel de Serf-antes.

    Srsny:
    I remind you that one may smile, and smile, and be a villein.

    Everyone:
    Just as I suspected would happen, yet another serious thread at this blog has devolved into a string of puns.

  13. Postman said

    Larry,
    I think you’ve inadvertently chosen the winner yourself:

    6. A Lexington woman decorated her house with more than 1700 lights, dozens of egg-shaped characters, brightly colored bunnies and chicks, and a cross draped with Lexington native, George Clooney.

    That’s the story I want to hear about.

  14. srsny said

    Just for fun, thanks to Postman, I went back and filled in all of your blanks, and – except for 8 and 9 (7 was a bit of a reach) each worked by entering “Lexington Native George Clooney.”

    Many of those ended up being pretty funny. It remnds me of what we used to do at chinese restaurants, when reading the cookie fortune – adding the words “in bed” always worked for a laugh. I’m going to order some chinese food right now and try adding “with Lexington Native George Clooney” and see what happens.

  15. As he has done every goddamned Sunday since 1951, Dennis the Menace once again annoyed Father Callahan by refusing his invite to do “special” things together after mass because he’d rather go to that ol’ cranky atheist Mr. Wilson’s house. “Oh well,” he thought, “there’s still that Clooney kid.”

  16. the chaplain said

    1. George Clooney
    2. Ménage à trois w/George C. & Johnny D.
    3. a bong in his closet
    4. the leather dog collar in his closet
    5. asleep
    6. fishnet stockings
    7. Americans United for the Separation of Church & State
    8. the world will end in 2012
    9. both places have lumpy beds
    10. George Clooney and Johnny Depp

  17. Postie:
    It’s really not much of a story. Lexington native George Clooney happened to get his eyebrows stuck on the cross because he had gotten drunk at a party celebrating the UK Wildcats’ existence. After he sobered up, he traveled to Saint Joseph Hospital hotel, where he shared a guest room with Pope Benedict, President Ahmadinejad, and the Obama children.

    Srsny:
    I hope that you and Lexington native George Clooney enjoy your Chinese food. But don’t let him get too drunk on Tsingtao, or he might wind up draped over General Tso again.

    Philly:
    If a cartoon character is an atheist, does that mean he doesn’t believe in his creator?

    Chappy:
    I knew you’d find some way to drag native Kentuckian Johnny Depp into your comment. Also, I see by your answer to number 5 that you’ve had some experience going to seders. Number 8 put me into raptures of glee.

  18. Postman said

    Number 9 has actually lead me to see that we could start a Clooneyite religion. Any time a “why” question is asked, we, as the truly enlightened followers of the way of Clooney, (May all screen tests go His way), simply answer, “Because Lexington native, George Clooney.”
    It makes just as much sense, if not more, than any other religion you’d care to name.

  19. Postie:
    That’s a great idea. And then at our yearly bacchanalian festival, we could use the slogan:
    Clooney is the reason for the loony.

  20. Postman said

    And I call a preemptive jihad against the Latter Day Deppians with their alarmingly attractive Native Kentuckian, Johnny Depp ceremonial masks.

  21. Postie:
    Did you know that both the Latter-Day Deppian and Clooneyist faiths are offshoots of the original Kentucky Boonish religion?

  22. Postman said

    You’ve always seemed like an alright guy to me, Larry; but that… that has the whiff of heretical thought about it.

    Death by stoning is imminent.

  23. Des:
    That ain’t heretical thought you’re smellin’. It’s my dandelion-possum stew.

  24. the chaplain said

    dandelion-possum stew

    Yuck. That sounds worse than dandelion wine.

  25. Chappy:
    Thanks for the link. You’re always one of the first people I go to if I want a recommendation for something to weed.

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