My Old Kentucky Homesite

Archive for the ‘Seriously Silly’ Category

Don’t Believe Kentucky’s Ill? A Proof!

Posted by Larry Wallberg on 04/01/2010

Augggh! Is there a witch-doctor in the house? A few weeks ago, many of us non-troglodytes were up in arms about the changes made to Texas educational standards by the wingnut-dominated Board of Education in Austin. Now, those revisions look positively benign next to the new standards adopted yesterday in — where else? — Kentucky. Here’s a small sampling of the sickening thoroughbred horseshit that will be shoveled into students’ heads starting next September:

(1) Poor dinosaurs will no longer be referred to as “prehistoric animals.” Instead, all the critters that lived millions and millions of years ago are to be designated as “antediluvian creatures.” Board member Lola Firpo wanted to get this standard through, and she got it. But she tried to mask her obviously Creationist terminology by saying, “Most people use ‘antediluvian’ as a synonym for old. ‘Prehistoric’ isn’t correct, because dinosaurs like T. Rex and that one with the three horns, I forget its name, must have a history, because otherwise we wouldn’t know about them. So I tried to think of a good descriptive word that we could also add to vocabulary requirements. ‘Antediluvian’ just came gushing into my head.”

(2) Remember the Founding Fathers? You can probably name a few of them without wracking your brain: Jefferson, Madison, Hamilton, Adams, Washington, Franklin. Did you mention Jesus? As of next year, Kentucky’s school kids will essentially be taught that the so-called “son of god” was one of the sires of our country (which I guess makes Yahweh America’s grandfather). Rollo Piaf, a 9th-grade history teacher and new Board Member, sang to reporters: “Even those few of our citizens who don’t consider our country to be a Christian nation, will readily admit that the philosophy of Jesus Christ was the most significant factor in forming the Founders’ idea of a Constitutional republic. I mean, look at Thomas Jefferson. He was a famous atheist, but he wrote a whole book praising Jesus’s thought. So I think it would be criminal not to teach that to our students.”

(3) In all science classes, when the work of Sir Isaac Newton is discussed, students must learn that he wrote: “Gravity explains the motions of the planets, but it cannot explain who set the planets in motion. God governs all things and knows all that is or can be done. Is any other explanation possible?” Lori Apfol (who, ironically, is a Jew) justified this standard by announcing, “Our Kentucky education system is one of the finest in the nation, kinehora. But last time I looked, none of our kids was as smart as Isaac Newton. So nu? If God was kosher even to him, who am I to have the chutzpah to say that the Lord’s not good enough for our fartootst students?”

(4) Looking for a mention of evolution or Charles Darwin? Don’t attend biology classes in Kentucky’s public schools. The Board recognized that the basic principles of life had to be taught if our state’s students were to be competitive with college applicants from more enlighted parts of the country. But at the suggestion of member Ira Pollof, “evolution” will now be known as “the planned system of genetic changes” and Charles Darwin will be referred to only as “a small-time theorist from England.” On the other hand, teachers will still be permitted to call Genesis “the Controversy.”

(5) Forget making a distinction between ancient Egyptians, Babylonians, Greeks, and Romans. Citing the “scholarly” (ha!) writings of one Prof. Ollia (Kentucky’s hardy Secretary of History from ’14-’41), the bible-thumping majority agreed that all civilizations before the alleged birth of Christ will be lumped together as “ancient people.” Ollia’s view, now adopted into our state standards, was voiced loudly by the impassioned fundamentalist preacher/educator, Board member Olaf Porli. “Most a them ol’-timey pagan guys was as alike as two turds from a catfish. But nothin’ them folks ever said or done or even thunk was god’s honest truth.” One moderate Republican at the session tried to point out that we should see those ancients as fore-runners. But Porli immediately responded, “A course they’s furriners. So why does Kentucky’s innocent child’n need to hear that kind a ignorant, un-American crap? If you ast me, what goes on elsewhere in this world is none a are goddang bidness.”

(6) Originated by a Medieval Catholic priest named Fr. LaPolio, the mind-crippling concept that the number 3 is “special” will be touched on in elementary arithmetic classes. Students will be required to learn multiplication and division by 3 before being taught how to do the same operations by 1, 2, 4, 5, or any other integers. However, multiplying 3 x 222 will be expressly forbidden.

(7) Of Mice and Men is being dropped from the 10th-grade literature curriculum. Pilar Lofo, the only Latina on the Board, claimed that the Spanish word for “mice” is also Caribbean slang for “Christians with small penises.” She also pointed out that the author wrote disrespectfully about the two main characters, George and Lenny, who were “obviously” symbolic references to God (same initial) and Jesus (since “J” and “L” are separated by only one letter, which, through no coincidence, happens to be the initial of “King of Kings”). English students will instead be required to read the graphic novelization of the “Left Behind” series or watch the New Testament on the American Bible Channel.

Lexington needs a Paul Revere to ride through the streets shouting, “The Christians are coming! The Christians are coming!” We certainly have enough fast horses in the area, although the jockey would probably have to wear a Wildcats jersey if he wanted to get people’s attention. Perhaps Kentucky native George Clooney could get himself an outfit from the revolutionary era and do something to really make us proud. Until he does, though, our state’s officials will continue acting like fools – even when April 1st isn’t the date. O, for a pill!

Advertisements

Posted in Holidays, Idiots, New to Kentucky, Random Rants, Seriously Silly | 32 Comments »

Psssst. Your Thread Is Open.

Posted by Larry Wallberg on 03/29/2010

Where is the thread now? Off again!
— Robert Browning

One way that some of my BlogWorld colleagues inflate hit-counts is to publish blank posts and to call them “open threads.” In an “open thread,” the writer essentially says to his or her readers, “Shit, I got nothing. So talk amongst yourselves.”

I’ve always avoided open threads because, regardless of what a post’s alleged topic is, my commenters are already encouraged to write whatever the hell happens to pop into their heads. (NOTE: there’s usually only one head per commenter, but multi-headed individuals are welcome here.) I often enjoy rambling off-course myself; that’s the way natural conversations flow in real life. But I do pride myself on being able to kick-start a discussion by spouting off on a subject of my own choosing.

When I thumbed through the newspaper this Sunday, however, I was pissed off by so many of the stories therein, that I just couldn’t make up my mind which one to write about. So I’m going to leave the choice of subjects to my readers. To get you inspired, I’m including ten fill-in-the-blank sentences. This is not a quiz, so don’t bother trying to come up with a correct answer. (For example, most blanks could reasonably be completed by writing the phrase “Lexington native George Clooney.”) Just choose one sentence, finish it in your own words, and then use it as a prompt to spur your imagination.

1. Although UK hoopsters lost their shot at winning the NCAA basketball tournament, that didn’t stop the Herald-Leader from devoting about half its pages to ____________________.

2. At a Tea Party rally in Nevada on Saturday, the writing on Sarah Palin’s hand said ____________________.

3. United Nations inspectors in Iran acted shocked, shocked to find evidence that President Ahmadinejad had ____________________.

4. Apparently, Pope Benedict was not entirely honest about ____________________.

5. On Monday night, Barack Obama will attend a Passover seder, at which his daughters will pretend to be ____________________.

6. A Lexington woman decorated her house with more than 1700 lights, dozens of egg-shaped characters, brightly colored bunnies and chicks, and a cross draped with ____________________.

7. On Saturday, Kentucky’s Senator Jim Bunning was forcibly inducted into ____________________.

8. The city had intended to spend nearly a gazillion dollars on a Downtown Master Plan to make Lexington into a real place, but efforts came to a sudden halt when it was revealed that ____________________.

9. The delusional President of Saint Joseph Hospital compared his facility to the Ritz-Carlton because ___________________.

10. As he has done every goddamned Sunday since 1951, Dennis the Menace once again annoyed ____________________.

If none of the above topics interest you, don’t be shy about commenting on your favorite color, or the flick you saw yesterday on Turner Classic Movies, or your most recent trip to the dentist. I’m looking forward to a fascinating chat.

Posted in Seriously Silly | 25 Comments »

Some Urgent Messages

Posted by Larry Wallberg on 03/24/2010

You are old, Larry Wallberg,” the readers swore,
“And your verses all stink to the skies.
And yet you have entered a Poetry War —
Do you think, at your age, that is wise?”

“In my youth,” the old geezer replied to his friends,
“My writing left editors chilly.
But here on the Intertubes, nothing offends,
For ALL of the writing is silly.”

“You are old,” said the readers, “and feeble of wit.
“Your talents continue to sink.
And yet you expect us to vote for this shit?
(You don’t even give us the link!)”

“In my youth,” said the sage as he typed the address,
“I hoped to leave readers agog.
But now all I wish for is fame, more or less,
At Percy’s nonsensical blog.”

URGENT MESSAGE FOR FELLOW OLD FARTS: If you are even older than I am, and too infirm to key your heartfelt praise for my work into Sir Silley’s long, meandering thread, you may simply cut and paste the following into your comment there:
I vote for “Horton Hears an Evangelical.”

URGENT MESSAGE FOR ATHEISTS ONLY: We appear to be losing the culture war. It’s obvious that most of Percy Bisque Silley’s readers have not voted for my far superior work because they don’t approve of freedom from faith. Fight back by cutting and pasting the following:
I PROUDLY vote for “Horton Hears an Evangelical.”

URGENT MESSAGE FOR  NON-REPUBLICANS: A quick scan of those votes already cast reveals that the ultra-right-wingers are trying to gain control of this election. Don’t let that happen! You may cut and paste the following:
I vote for “Horton Hears an Evangelical.” However, any resemblance between the title character and the symbol of a political party living or dead is purely coincidental.

URGENT MESSAGE FOR POETRY-LOVERS: I HEAR America singing, the varied carols I hear. But very few of the entries have really catchy tunes. If you prefer hummable verses, cut and paste the following:
I vote for “Horton Hears an Evangelical.” I’d much rather sing that one than “Kumbaya” or “Jolene.”

URGENT MESSAGE FOR PUZZLE-FREAKS: Everyone knows how important it is for poems to have anagrammable titles. So get your caps attuned, your taunt spaced properly, and cut and paste the following:
I vote for “Horton Hears an Evangelical.” Oh, a charlatan verges online!

My name is Larry Wallberg, and I approved this mess. Thanks for your support, and may grog bliss America.

Posted in From Bad to Verse, Seriously Silly | 15 Comments »

I Hope They Use It in Good Health

Posted by Larry Wallberg on 03/22/2010

In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.
— Benjamin Franklin

Instructions for Federal Income Tax Form 1234567980 and Schedules A – Ω

Your First Name and Initial
Enter your first name. For most of you, that would have been “Baby Boy” or “Baby Girl.” Then enter the first initial you can think of. For some odd reason, psychologists have found that it will usually be X, unless you’re employed making vanity license plates, in which case it will most likely be ♥. Instead of picking an arbitrary letter or symbol, you may choose to use your middle initial, which you can calculate by following the steps listed on the Worksheet for Schedule NMN: “How to Determine Your Middle Initial By Taking The First Letter of Your Middle Name and Putting a Period After It.”

Last Name
This will usually be your father’s first name followed by the suffix “-son” (e.g., “Babyboyson,” or occasionally “Babygirlson.”) Certain ethnic groups may use a prefix rather than a suffix (e.g., “McBabyboy,” “de Babyboy,” “bin Babyboy,” etc.)  See Publication112358, “Every Last Name in the World” and Publication 112358A, “Two More That We Forgot.”

Home Address
If you moved during the past year, enter this data in red, unless your move occurred in June, July, or December, in which case enter this data in green, unless you don’t own a green pen, in which case enter the data in blue eye liner followed by the phrase “pretend this is green.” In all other cases, enter the name by which your coinhabitants most commonly address you (e.g., “Dad,” “Hon,” “Gramps,” “Dude”).

Presidential Election Champagne Fund
Check the box if you’d like a portion of your taxes to go toward celebratory alcoholic beverages.

Lines 1-5: Filing Status
Write “Annoyed.”

Lines 6a-d: Exemptions
If you have more than four exemptions, attach a short note explaining how you found the time to fill out this form.

Line 7: Wages, Salaries, Tips, Etc.
Multiply your hourly rate by 2000, add $6.95 for postage and handling, subtract the number of dependent earrings you and your spouse own (Note: You cannot count studs), (Mudville Residents Only: multiply by the number of lines in “Casey at the Bat” you can recite from memory), add the square of the number of times you’ve used a four-letter word since beginning to figure this item, and divide by zero. Your answer should be the nine of clubs. If it’s not, see Table 9C, “How Come Everybody’s Answer Was the Nine of Clubs Except Yours?”

Line 37: Adjusted Really Gross Income
Enter $32.76 or the amount of the federal deficit, whichever is larger. Then wipe your nose in the blank.

Line 37(a): Penalty for Breathing
Most Americans use way too much air, a threatened natural resource. To compute your daily oxygen fee, count the number of breaths you take in a 96-hour period, and divide by four. Multiply the result by $2.99, and write that amount on a check made out to the president or your preacher, whichever is larger.

Line 40(b): Ugly Child Credit
You may be able to take this credit if being seen with your son or daughter is a constant embarrassment. (Note: This credit does not apply if your child is a dog or cat, even in those cases when you refer to yourself as “Mommy.”) The IRS will compute this amount for you if you attach a recent photograph of the child in question.

Line 162(a-z): Multiple-Personality Benefit
Deduct $3,000 for each of your personalities up to nine. If you have ten or more personalities, obtain Schedule UUUUUUUUUU, and follow the instructions for forming a one-man band.

Line 328(y-um): Favorite Flavor
For internal use only.

Line 666
Draw a picture of Satan. You must include horns and a diabolical laugh.

Line 947: Tax on IRA’s
If your name is Ira, double whatever you owe.

Line 10356: Our Form Designer’s Pencil Slipped
In most cases, you may leave this line blank. In all other cases, you may also leave this line blank. For further instructions, see Publication 0: “Have You Drawn a Blank?”

Line Beechwood 4578.9: Old Fart’s Deduction
You may be eligible for an old fart’s deduction, as explained on Schedule OF. Use the Worksheet to write the name of every song you can think of that was sung by the Marvelettes between 1961 and 1965. If you can list more than zero songs, you may subtract $.01 for your thoughts, providing you still have any.

Line 299792458 (c): Refund or Amount You Owe
Think of the largest number you can, add one, and enter the sum here. If, for any reason, you can’t think of a number, enter the word “Everything.” This is the amount of TAX YOU OWE.

Line 299792458 (c).36D: Chest Size
In most instances, in addition to the amount on line 8181, you will owe us your shirt, too. Although this is for internal use only, it will probably be worn externally. If sending a long-sleeved, button-down, dressy style, please include a matching tie. Attach your payment to this form with a clothespin.

Sign Your Return
More importantly, sign your check. If you’ve forgotten your name,  just scribble anything illegible. We don’t care. In the event that you’ve died in the past year, you must designate a third party to sign your name.

Posted in Seriously Silly | 8 Comments »

God Exists: the Sudokulogical Proof

Posted by Larry Wallberg on 03/19/2010

My friend Desertscope solved a math problem on his blog today. I have absolutely no clue about how his formulas work, or even what the problem was, exactly. However, he definitely either proved his hypothesis or he didn’t.

My hypothesis is much clearer. I can prove mathematically that God exists.

We all know that if God exists, he’s in a constant battle against Satan. God wins, except in those cases in which he doesn’t. Since God works in mysterious ways, and Satan works in plain ol’ ordinary ways, we can assume that — if God does, in fact, exist — the percentage of battles won by Satan would be minuscule. Let’s call it 10-50%, which actually inflates Satan’s chances by approximately a zillion cases. (But, then, that poor devil needs all the help he can get, and what does an overly generous exponent cost us in the grand scheme of things?)

Now, everyone knows that Satan’s favorite number is the very bad 666. All other numbers are good numbers, favored by God. Are you with me so far?

If God exists, then, in a random selection of three numbers, Satan’s favorite number would appear approximately only 10-50% (or less) times.

It so happens that if you take the digits 1 through 9 and fill each of three places with any of those digits, selected at random, you have 9 places x 9 places x 9 places, or 729 potential different three-digit numbers. Thus, your random chance of selecting any specific three-digit number, let’s say 666, would be 1 out of 729.

Stay focused, please. Because I will now astound you.

I’ve done, literally, thousands and thousands of Sudoku puzzles in my lifetime. I was doing those puzzle before they were even called “Sudoku,” back when they were referred to as “Number Place” (not to be confused with “Word Search” or “personal”) problems. In every Sudoku puzzle, there are 81 digits, which can be read as nine rows of nine digits or nine columns of nine digits. Obviously, they can be arranged into umpteen consecutive three-digit numbers.

For the sake of argument, let’s assume that I’ve solved four Sudoku puzzles a day for at least the last 40 years. Leaving leap years out of the equation (because I don’t approve of adding an extra day to February, when the weather’s always so nasty), we get 4 x 365 x 40 = 58,400. I’m going to give God the benefit of my doubt here, so let’s reduce the number of digits in each puzzle to a mere three, not eighty-one. (Voila! We’ve saved ourselves the trouble of writing “umpteen” as a denominator.)  So: Dividing 58,400 by 729, we arrive at approximately 80.109738. I’m going to call that figure a nice round 80, because I rarely do .109738th of a puzzle.

So, if each puzzle yields exactly one three-digit solution, then — assuming that I haven’t lied about the number of puzzles I’ve done in the last forty years — by the laws of probability, I should have seen the consecutive numbers 666 somewhere in the vicinity of 80 times, give or take a degree or two of latitude.

But I’ve never seen that consecutive combination in a Sudoku puzzle! Therefore, I conclude that Satan’s evil number is definitely not appearing with its statistical probability, which, being 1 out of 729 possibilities, is somewhat higher than “never.” So why doesn’t it show up now and then? There’s only one reasonable answer: God keeps it from winning the battle over the other 728 godly combinations. (Except, perhaps, only once out of every 10-50 times. Or, to be more mathematically precise: You should live so long.)

Therefore, as any theist can tell you, God exists.

Posted in Freedom from Faith, Puzzles and Games, Seriously Silly | 13 Comments »

None of the Above

Posted by Larry Wallberg on 03/13/2010

Wallberg’s Law:
When your wife asks “Does this dress make me look fat?” you’ll wind up in an argument no matter how you answer.

Examples:

Wife:   Does this dress make me look fat?
You:    Yeah
Wife:   Screw you! If you didn’t always have those Entenmann’s Chocolate Donuts in the house, I’d be twenty pounds thinner.

Wife:   Does this dress make me look fat?
You:    No.
Wife:   Don’t you even look at me any more? You didn’t even notice that I’ve gained twenty pounds? Are you blind?

Wife:   Does this dress make me look fat?
You:    No, it fits perfectly.
Wife:   Yeah, it fits a fat person perfectly. Can’t you even see that it’s two sizes larger than my other dresses?

Wife:   Does this dress make me look fat?
You:    You look beautiful.
Wife:   Since when are you an expert on beauty? Every woman you ever look at is about twenty pounds overweight.

Wife:   Does this dress make me look fat?
You:    You look great.
Wife:   That’s what you always say about an Entenmann’s Chocolate Donut. “Oh, that looks great, Honey.” Am I some kind of donut to you?

Wife:   Does this dress make me look fat?
You:    (thirty second pause)
Wife:   How come you didn’t answer.
You:    I’m thinking.
Wife:   Sure, you’re trying to come up with something clever to say, because you know how pissed off I am that I’ve gained twenty pounds because of you and your goddamned donuts.

Wife:   Does this dress make me look fat?
You:    I can’t hear you. I’m in the shower.
Wife:   You’d hear all right if I said I bought Entenmann’s Chocolate Donuts, wouldn’t you?
You:    What?
Wife:   I BOUGHT ENTENMANN’S CHOCOLATE DONUTS!
You:    We’re having donuts? I thought we were going out.
Wife:   You heard that pretty well didn’t you? Now, I’m coming in there and you’re going to tell me truthfully if this dress makes me look fat.

Wife:   Does this dress make me look fat?
You:    Define “fat.”
Wife:   Twenty pounds overweight.
You:    Define “overweight.”
Wife:   More than I should weigh.
You:    Well, how much do you think you should weigh?
Wife:   Twenty pounds less than I do. And I would, if you didn’t keep bringing those stupid chocolate Donuts into the house.
You:    You’re the one who usually buys them.
Wife:   Yeah, for you. And do you ever buy anything for me?

Wife:   Does this dress make me look fat?
You:    I don’t think so.
Wife:   What do you mean you don’t think so.
You:    I don’t think it makes you look fat.
Wife:   You’re just saying that without even thinking.
You:    No, really. I’m thinking.
Wife:   What’s there to think about? Yes or no? Fat or not?
You:    I was thinking that the dress is terrific, and you look terrific in it.
Wife:   You’re sure?
You:    Absolutely. (Three peaceful minutes go by.)
Wife:   How about this other dress? Does it make me look fat?

You:    Do these pants make me look fat?
Wife:   Yeah.
You:    OK.
Wife:   Wait a minute. Don’t go ‘way. How about this dress? Does it make me look fat?



Posted in Dangling Conversations, Domestic Policy, Seriously Silly | 24 Comments »

Horton Hears an Evangelical

Posted by Larry Wallberg on 03/02/2010

[Note: A couple of years back, I posted the following pseudonymously on my previous blog. I’d like to acknowledge authorship under my real name, so I’m republishing this piece here on the appropriate date: Dr. Seuss’s birthday.]

In a place known as Whoville the folks got distraught
When Horton the elephant said what he thought.
“The oddest of oddities isn’t as odd
As people believing that there is a god.”

The Who Jews and Muslims and Hindus and Buddhists
The Who Vegetarians, Wiccans, and Nudists,
The Who Presbyterians, Baptists, New Agers:
All spread the sad news on their cell phones and pagers.

A Who Evangelical fell to his knees
And he said, “Oh no, Horton! I beg of you, please!
We always have liked you. We all think you’re swell,
And we can’t stand the thought that you’re headed to hell!”

But Horton just laughed and he wiggled his trunk.
The bible to him was a big bunch of bunk.
He meant what he said and he said what he meant,
“Religion is silly a hundred percent.”

The Who Evangelical let out a snort in
A very snide way most insulting to Horton.
“You say you’re an atheist? Here’s what we’ll do —
For we all know that atheists are anti-Who —

We’ll drive you from Whoville; we’ll send you away.
Or else we will force you to worship and pray.
A person’s a person, no matter how small,
But an atheist isn’t a person at all!”

But Horton just laughed once again even louder
And told all the Whos he would not take a powder,
Nor worship some stupid nonsensical being
That no one was hearing and no one was seeing.

“I will not be threatened,” he said. “It’s not funny.
I won’t trust your god with my flag or my money!
I will not allow him to influence science.
An elephant thrives on his own self-reliance!”

The Who Evangelical said, “My dear chap, sure
You think you’re so smart, but just wait till the rapture.”
The anti-Christ’s coming and then you will find,
That your friends are in heaven but you’re left behind.

“We cannot allow that to happen to you,
Because, after all, Jesus loves ev’ry Who.
You must accept God for the good of us all.
A person’s a person no matter how small.

“And though you’re no Who (you are just a big elephant),
God loves you, too. What you are is irrelevant.
He can destroy us if someone’s defiant.
A sinner’s a sinner no matter how giant!”

The Whos approached Horton, began to surround him.
If some of the Whos had their way, they’d have drowned him.
Some others thought maybe they might build a fire.
And stoning was mentioned among the Who choir.

But Horton was huge and avoided the crunch of them,
Picked up his foot, and then stepped on a bunch of them.
Hoping survivors would give up their mission,
The elephant told them about superstition:

“The oddest of oddities isn’t as odd
As people believing that there is a god.
There isn’t a heaven, or hell you should dread.
A person’s a person — until he is dead.”

Posted in Books & Bookshops, Freedom from Faith, From Bad to Verse, Seriously Silly | 15 Comments »

Son of Googl-oetry

Posted by Larry Wallberg on 02/25/2010

Every day, millions of people enter keywords into Internet search engines, and get pointed to sites that frequently have little or nothing to do with the information they’re seeking. Sometimes, those unfortunate pilgrims wind up reading my drivel. As most bloggers do, I know a couple of methods by which I can track specific phrases that have led the unwary to my weird little corner of the Web. Unlike many others, however, I actually keep a list of those terms.

At first, I did so for my own amusement. At my previous blog, I was extremely flattered that someone, somewhere, would want to hear what I had to say about “tact is overrated.”  I was ecstatic when I learned that “fart sounds and what they mean” brought a knowledge-hungry populace in contact with my ideas. ”  Eagerly, I imagined sharing with the world my insights on “rosebud underwear.”

However, I soon tired of my collection. All those inane word-strings grew dull after a while.

But then, in July of 2007, I invented a new art form: Googl-oetry. At last I found a way to use, verbatim, some of those perplexing key phrases I’d amassed.

Now, I’ve got a new blog, and a new set of intriguing search terms. Each line in the following epic, including both of its alternate titles, was originally typed as a search term by someone who had no idea that he or she was contributing to great art. Crafting these entries carefully, I lovingly created a verse for our times (11:43 p.m. by my New York Airways clock).  As you can see, the work is both beautiful and profound — although perhaps unintelligible.  But then, the Googl-oet works in mysterious ways.

certainty limits freedom
or
yiddish for grumpy

whats kentucky famous for
ashley judd johnny depp
johnny depp ashley judd
ashley judd and johnny depp
johnny depp and ashley judd
old kentucky overalls
does johnny depp ever go back to kentucky?
i saw johnny depp in lexington
translating the ten commandments to our own language of 2010

can you swallow ky
“tomato brandy” -hybrid -“brandy wine” -sauce -aioli -seed -boy –soup
“de-lovely” jingle soda
authentic chopped liver
coney dog in kentucky
kentucky colonel dog
2 a day
stomach flu 2010 january kentucky
“the great american bathroom book”

how is old kentukey is diffrent from this kentukey
pterodactyl sightings kentucky
creature encounter with driver in kentuc
religious fanatics in kentucky
silly podunk kentuckians
d cup moms
free casual sexual encounters owensboro

thats my homesite
place that is never cloudy
winston churchill homesite
millard fillmore homesite
my old kentucky fa la la
my kentucky bell the poem
yiddish cacamoon
coonskin rotten
my old kentucky wallberg

Posted in From Bad to Verse, Google, Seriously Silly | 12 Comments »

Pun Formation

Posted by Larry Wallberg on 02/06/2010

Tomorrow is unique in that it’s both Charles Dickens’s 198th birthday and the XLIVth Super Bowl.  It’s a little-known fact that my favorite novelist was, himself, an ardent fan of the NFL. Dickens seems to have begun a number of works about America’s most important pseudo-religious holiday, although he fumbled before they reached completion. Nevertheless, here are some excerpts:

first sentence from A Super Bowl Carol
Bronko Nagurski was dead, to begin with.

from A Tale of Two Super Bowl Cities
It was the best of bowls, it was the worst of bowls, it was the age of defense, it was the age of offense, it was the epoch of sportscars, it was the epoch of gumbo, it was the season of motor oil, it was the season of seasonings, it was the spring of Brees, it was the winter of Manning, we had everything riding on the Saints, we had all our money on the Colts.

from David Copperbowl
Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my office pool, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, the final tallies must show. To begin my story with the beginning of my bet, I record that I selected the dreaded 9-2 on the 100-square sheet. It was remarked that the clock began to strike, and I began to cry, simultaneously.

from Oliver Twit
The evening arrived; the fans took their places around the football-field-sized TV. The host, in his cook’s uniform, stationed himself at the wings table; his pauper assistants ranged themselves behind him, at the chili tureen, at the chips-and-dips trays, and at the deli spread. The beer was served out; and a long toast was said by those rooting for each team. The game commenced; the nuts and pretzels disappeared; the fans whispered each other; and winked at Oliver; while his neighbors nudged him. Loser that his team was, he was desperate with hunger, and reckless with misery. He rose from the couch; and advancing to the host, empty plate in hand, said: somewhat alarmed at his own temerity:

“Please, sir, I want some more nachos.”

from Great Expectorations
In an arm-chair, with an elbow resting on the table and her head leaning on that hand, sat the strangest lady I have ever seen or shall ever see.

She was dressed in rich materials — satins, and lace, and silks — all of purple, yellow, and white. Her shoes were oddly matched, one with purple buckles, the other with yellow. And she had long yellow braids depending from the top of her head, but her hair was white. Her face was painted so that the right side was a jaundiced yellow, and the left, a bruised purple. She had not quite finished dressing, for she had a horned helmet before her on the dressing table, and with her headpiece some flowers, and a Prayer-book, all confusedly heaped about the looking-glass.

“Look at me,” said Miss Vikishfan. “You are not afraid of a woman whose team was robbed, are you boy?”

last sentence from A Super Bowl Carol
And so, as Tiny Tim observed, Go pass Us Every One!

I, myself, don’t care much for football. But I’ll probably grab a few handfuls of Little Doritos at halftime, and listen to The Old Who-riosity Slop.

Posted in Books & Bookshops, Seriously Silly | 7 Comments »

The State of the Union – for Non-Dummies

Posted by Larry Wallberg on 01/28/2010

President Barack Obama: Blah blah blah.
Republican Response: Halb halb halb.

Posted in Playing Politics, Seriously Silly | 4 Comments »