My Old Kentucky Homesite

If I Only Had a God

Posted by Larry Wallberg on 07/06/2010

Some of my readers – all right, just Chappy – have been urging me to record my as yet unwritten version of “Onward, Godless Soldiers.” But I couldn’t get any further than the first verse:

Onward, Godless Soldiers, lurching as to war.
Those Jehovah’s Witless knock upon the door.
“Christ, it’s Sunday morning! We were still in bed!
Do we give a shit what happens when we’re dead?”

Onward, Godless Soldiers, marching back to snooze.
Screw their cross of Jesus and their damned good news.

Still, maybe I owe you guys something singable. So I’m reviving a set of lyrics I wrote a few years ago, and reposting them here. In case you’d like to sing along, you can click this link for the accompaniment.

If I Only Had a God

I could while away the day in
A fit of fancy prayin’,
And never think it’s odd.
I’d condemn Richard Dawkins
And his atheistic squawkin’s
If I only had a god.

I would be like all the fundies,
My head inside my undies:
My brain, a giant wad!
Though my thoughts no cigar win,
Still, I’d have no need for Darwin
If I only had a god.

J.C., be good to me,
And clean out from my head
All the science and the history I’ve read.
Then make your face appear on bread.

In a public school position,
I’d foster superstition,
Ignoring what is mod,
Teach the Bible as true, no
Problem with Amendment Uno
If I only had a god.

[Update: 07/08/10 at 3:20 a.m.: Roz asked me to supply her with some more verses, and I was happy to oblige. Little did she know what a sour mood I’m in, so this second go-round is a bit darker than the first. Although, I suppose it’s the natural extension of the song’s logic.]

I’d teach Africans and Asians,
The needy of all nasions,
The hungry and unshod.
Even though I’d despise ‘em,
I would go evangelize ‘em
If I only had a god.

I would smite the heathen cynics,
And bomb abortion clinics,
As Cath-o-lics hurrahed.
It would pay me no penny,
But I’m sure I’d please Pope Benny
If I only had a god.

Oh why, should I be shy
‘Bout doin’ my lord’s work?
Each atrocity will earn another perk,
Because my god’s a vicious jerk.

I could make the sinners cower,
And fly into a tower,
Pursuin’ my jihad.
I’d obey heaven’s urgin’s
Just to earn myself some virgins
If I only had a god.

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22 Responses to “If I Only Had a God”

  1. John Evo said

    You are a lyrical…err… wizard.

  2. Roz said

    This feels like a challenge! I’ll see what I can do with another Wizard of Oz song :)

  3. Roz said

    Somewhere straight from the age
    Of Neolith
    There’s a place that I heard of
    Once in the old Hadith

    I’m struggling with the rest … :)

  4. the chaplain said

    If I Only Had a God was an inspired bit of work. Nevertheless, I’m tempted to print copies of Onward Godless Soldiers and glue them into the hymnals at some local churches.

  5. John Evo said

    Roz said, “This feels like a challenge!”

    Sorry Larry, my money is on the _good looking_ parody provider! Although, if you two put your heads together…. Could me a monster heathen hit!

  6. Roz said

    I think Larry’s ‘If I only had a god’ are superb. With his permission (or quite frankly, without), I will use them in a future video) :)

  7. Evo:
    You are a lyrical…err… wizard.
    Actually, I’m one of the flying devil monkeys.

    Roz:
    I think you need to find a very popular Australian televangelist preacher with a mega-church and write:
    We’re off to see the wizard
    The wonderful wizard of Oz.

    See? You don’t even need to change any of the words. All you need are some funny images.

    Feel free to use my lyrics in a future video, but do send me the link. Also, you have to promise never — under any circumstances — ever to allow Johnny Evo to sing along on one of your videos. Although I wouldn’t be offended if you allowed him to play one of the flying devil monkeys.

    Chappy:
    I’m tempted to print copies of Onward Godless Soldiers and glue them into the hymnals at some local churches.
    Feel free to use my lyrics in hymnals, but do send me a link to the pastors’ tirades.

  8. Sarge said

    Bravo! Bravo!

  9. How about this:

    Follow the Iron Age god. Follow the Iron Age god.
    Follow, follow, follow, follow,
    Follow the Iron Age god.
    Follow the Iron Age myth, the myth,
    Follow the Iron Age myth.

    We’re off to see Jehovah, The terrible Iron Age god.
    You’ll find he is the smitingest god! If ever a god there was.
    If ever oh ever a god there was desert Jehovah is one because,
    Because, because, because, because, because.
    Because of the terrible things he does.
    We’re off to see Jehovah. The terrible Iron Age god.

  10. the chaplain said

    Desertscope:
    Yip Harburg would be mighty proud of you and Larry.

  11. Sarge:
    Grazie! Grazie!

    Des:
    To steal a phrase from Sarge: Bravo! Bravo!

    Chappy:
    If Yip Harburg were alive, he’d probably be happy to “atheize” the lyrics to the entire score.
    Since he’s not, I guess that Roz, Des, and I will have to help spread the musical word: Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.

  12. All My Lyricist Pals:

    Here’s a rough draft that still needs a bit of work, But you can sing along:

    Under the Rainbow
    Somewhere under the rainbow, way down low,
    There’s a place that the Christians tell me I’m gonna go.

    Somewhere under the rainbow, that’s my spot,
    And the Jesus who cares for me says that I’ll be hot.

    Someday I’ll have to head downstairs
    For makin’ fun of Fundy pray’rs that roar on.
    *Their bubble-headed threats and praise
    Can’t change me from my heathen ways:
    I’m not a moron.

    Somewhere under the rainbow, that’s their fear.
    Turds fly under the rainbow –
    Why are they all still here?

    [* Alternate Wallberg version:
    Their bubble-headed, teary pose,
    Can’t wreck my Choc’late Cheerios:]

  13. srsny said

    Though my thoughts no cigar win?????????!!!!!!!!!!!

  14. Srsny:
    Well, it scans and it rhymes and it sorta makes sense.
    Does that explanation a cigar win?

  15. srsny said

    How about

    I could study Luther’s theses
    Not The Origin of the Species

  16. srsny said

    Of course my first thought to rhyme with species was

    I could contemplate my feces

    It was funnier, but it didn’t make sense!

  17. Also, you have to promise never — under any circumstances — ever to allow Johnny Evo to sing along on one of your videos.

    I think we have enough material left over from AGP to put out a greatest hits disc, don’t we?

  18. Oaktown Girl said

    Great post today over at DKos: Chris Rodda, author of Liars for Jesus:The Christian Right’s Alternate Version of American History, and a Senior Researcher at the Military Religious Freedom Foundation debunks the latest mind control offensive.

  19. Srsny:
    Good idea, but it doesn’t scan. So here’s my fix:
    I could quote Luther’s theses
    Not the Origin of Species,
    If I …

    But how about:
    Fill my mind full of feces,
    Not the Origin of Species,
    if I …

    SI:
    I’d call it Drone Along With Johnny Evo.

    Oaky:
    I don’t know how that article is related — except peripherally — to my silly song parody, but you’re right: It’s interesting.

  20. Lorena said

    Wow! Good things our blogs are somewhat anonymous. I wouldn’t want my fellow Canadians to know I’ve actually enjoyed verses written by an American.

  21. John Evo said

    “I think we have enough material left over from AGP to put out a greatest hits disc, don’t we?”

    Roz wouldn’t appreciate the multitude of groupies. I could use $50 million bucks though!

    “I’d call it Drone Along With Johnny Evo.”

    You know… I wouldn’t mind taking this abuse – from someone who didn’t think “pitch” was a way to sell a worthless item or think that “tune” is spelled “toon”.

  22. Lorena:
    I don’t think my blog is anonymous. As hard as it may be to believe, Larry Wallberg is actually my real name.

    Evo:
    Right now, I’m working on a pitch for a new TV show: “Name that Toon.” Contestants have to identify the characters who sang specific songs in animated films.

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