My Old Kentucky Homesite

That Godless Yankee … (Etc.) … Bastard, Me

Posted by Larry Wallberg on 06/05/2010

OK, here’s a wacky idea I had. I’m hoping that at least some of you will take part, and also ask your friends to join in.

Apparently, our local rag, the Lexington Herald-Leader, runs a kind of contest each year: The Readers’ Choice (Awards). You’ve probably seen this kind of dumb thing in your own hometown paper, although some of the questions here in Lexington seem unusually stupid.

What or who is your favorite:
bank?
horse farm?
local bourbon?
dentist?
place to have a baby?
area vineyard?
place to buy UK apparel/merchandise?
cosmetic surgeon?
consignment shop?
place to buy a Derby hat?
local rising star (any career)?
place of worship?

Now, it so happens that one of the categories on the 2010 ballot is:

Who’s your favorite local media personality (newspaper, TV, radio, blogger)?

I think it would be a hoot if it turned out to be that godless Yankee commie homo-supporting baby-killing bastard, me. So I’m asking all my readers to click on this link, scour down the page until you come to “local media personality … etc.” and enter my name: Larry Wallberg. No explanation. Just Larry Wallberg.

Obviously, I don’t expect to win, or even come close. But if I could garner even, let’s say, fifty votes, that ought to give the yokels at the paper pause — because, aside from the idiot at the Life + Stupidity section to whom I complained about a month ago, they won’t have a clue who I am.

If, by some fluke, I do happen to win, I promise that I’ll say or write something outrageous in response. I doubt that I’ll be able to find a New Yawk atheist version of Sacheen Littlefeather to collect my prize, but whatever I do, it will be appropriately hilarious and heathenly.

Thanks. (Just for the record, I also hate what Kentucky did to its Native Americans.)

[Update on 06/05/10 at 4:15 p.m.: PZ Myers, over at Pharyngula, is kindly helping to skew the poll. Hmmm. I’d better start thinking of a sufficiently atheistic acceptance speech.]

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60 Responses to “That Godless Yankee … (Etc.) … Bastard, Me”

  1. Sarge said

    Larry, I would suggest that you have a care in the treatment of the locals. Oh, baiting the locals is always fun, but I would urge caution in places like you now find yourself.

    I was stationed at Ft. Rucker, Alabama for a while, and remember a letter to the editor (early 70s)of the Dothan Eagle in which he declared his unhappiness with being in the area.

    He started by stating that the inhabitants of the area “swang from trees”, had family trees “the shape of telephone poles”, and averred that the local gene pool was “no deeper than a dinner plate” … then he said some things that were very insulting and REALLY got MEAN.

    His criticisms, though valid and shared by many of us who sojourned there, were not well recieved. There was…trouble. And consequenses.

    I was stationed with a lot of guys from your area of the world, and they didn’t call “Bloody Harlan” what they called it for nothing.

    Not reproof or admonition, but I am a “redneck” myself, and know that when you insult institutions and customs, no matter how deserving, it may cause rancor far out of what you might think is appropriate.

    Actually, here in central “Pencil-Tuckey” I find myself in the same boat as you. ;-)

  2. Sarge:
    So does that mean you didn’t vote for me?

  3. I voted. I filled in the personal info as “John, a street in, Harrisburg PA” Hope they don’t disqualify you for that.

    If you want a lot of votes, send a quick email to PZ Myers, ask him to Pharyngulate the vote. He probably wouldn’t want to be named himself, but if he thinks a good atheist might get in, and his “Pharygoheads” follow suit, you’re in.

  4. SI:
    How come you were afraid — I’m making an assumption here — to type in your real name and address? I doubt that individual ballots are viewable by the public.

    Since I’m not specifically pushing atheism here, only humorous irony, I don’t see why PZ would want to skew the results. But I’ll take your advice and drop him an email.

  5. Shane O' said

    It’s good to see there are more of us fighting the good fight here in the Bluegrass. Bookmarked sir, and it’s been a pleasure to vote for you.

    BTW, it’s kinda funny that it takes a professor from Minnesota to point a Kentuckian towards a fellow non-believer living in the Commonwealth.

  6. the chaplain said

    Larry:

    How come you were afraid — I’m making an assumption here — to type in your real name and address?

    I can’t speak for SI, of course, but I will say that I wasn’t “afraid” to type in my real info, but I was hesitant to put my personal info into the hands of an organization that with which I don’t do business. Aside from that poll, there is no reason your local paper needs to know who I am and how to contact me (I did give a legitimate email address). I doubt that the Lexington Herald-Leader is going to misuse the poll info., but I already get so many unwanted mailings, phone calls, etc., from organizations that I’ve just made it a habit to be guarded with my personal info.

  7. Quidam said

    You are also my pick for Local Polician, Local Rising Star and Media Personality. I thought of making you my place of Worship, but settled for ‘none’

    It’s the least I can do for a total stranger. Don’t let me down

  8. Signal boosted in my LiveJournal. Here from Pharyngula.

    Great blog, I’ll be checking it often. Keep the Lack of Faith!

  9. […] on over to Larry’s blog for the gist of the story, and a little bit of background on the […]

  10. weez said

    Done like a dinner, Larry.

    Hope you win. :)

  11. Shane:
    [I]t’s kinda funny that it takes a professor from Minnesota to point a Kentuckian towards a fellow non-believer living in the Commonwealth.
    Well, that’s because neither one of us attend any church potlucks.

    Chappy:
    I’d guess that the Herald-Leader doesn’t want the same person voting 100 different times. Don’t forget: the Readers’ Choice thing is basically a ploy to boost local businesses — and, doubtless, to earn their advertising dollars.

    Quidam:
    I wouldn’t dream of letting a total stranger down.

    Trucker:
    Thanks for the compliment.
    FYI: I don’t refer to myself as “lacking faith,” because I’m not missing anything. Similarly, I never say that I lack a toothache, or a parking ticket, or a third testicle. Or ignorance. Instead, I say that I’m “faith-free.”

  12. Why?:
    Thanks for the unsolicited — well, partially solicited — testimonial.

    Weez:
    Done like a dinner, Larry.
    I’ve never heard that expression, but I like it. It’s obvious, though, that you’ve never tried my cooking, for which the appropriate sentiment would be slightly different: Overdone like a dinner.

    Thanks for your vote.

  13. Don said

    Signed in and voted.

    From Savannah, Ga. via Pharyngula

  14. Don:
    Thanks for the vote.

    Your photos are breathtaking, so I hope that other visitors here will click on your name. I’m adding a link to your website in my sidebar.

  15. Brian Rutledge said

    You got my vote as well, as a stranger from Texas.But then again, pointing out absurdities like this poll, doesn’t make us strangers at all now does it.Also, for church of preference, I typed in Wallberg Fellowship

  16. Mr Macgillicutty said

    Entered, bookmarked, and thank you. I’ll see what I can do about getting you a few more votes. : )

  17. Brian:
    Amazing how nearly accurate you were. Actually, it’s the Wallberg Fellowship of Our Lady of the Sacred Lime Jell-O Mold.

  18. toejann said

    They accent @mailinator.com email addresses, it seems. Fight the spam!

  19. toejann said

    “accept”, rather

  20. Mr Mac:
    Thanks. Every vote counts, as the fundy preacher said to his congregation.

    Toejann:
    I wasn’t familiar with mailinator, so I checked out the link. I’m pretty sure I’ll be using it in the not too distant future.

  21. Azkyroth said

    Larry, I would suggest that you have a care in the treatment of the locals. Oh, baiting the locals is always fun, but I would urge caution in places like you now find yourself.

    So, basically, you’re saying that the average Kentuckian has the emotional maturity, impulse control, perspective, and sense of fairness of a 5 year old with behavioral problems?

  22. Miss Addict said

    (I pretended to be from Oregon Since they wouldn’t let me vote all the way from Sydney! :P used the local College address lol

    Here from Pharyngula too :) Good Luck!

  23. JackC said

    Good luck Larry! I live in New Yawk (NOT the city, thanks very much, but a bit upstate) but retain through family ties an address in Louisville that I used. Not that I don’t TRUST y’all and all, but hey, why not?

    And I thought I might place a link to my buddies photo page, since I don’t really have one (other than picasa) myself. Maybe give Don a little healthy competition!

    JC

  24. dmab said

    HIJACKING IN PROGRESS!!!

    hawaiiwebgroup.com/maui-design/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/website-hijacking.jpg

    HIJACKING IN PROGRESS!!!

    how can these HEADLESS IDIOTS BET AGAINST GOD!!!
    ________________________________________

    what happens when you LOSE Pascal’s Wager…

    peterkreeft.com/topics/pascals-wager.htm

    _____________

    you FIGHT PAPER MONSTERS…

    the blood and bodies of the atheist movement…

    you mofos killed MICKEY MOUSE!!!!

    this has more TRUTH then what Dawkins, Randi, Harris, Myers, and Shermer combined have said in their entire lives…

    youtube.com/watch#!v=5R2wE8Sduhs&playnext_from=TL&videos=hht1U_19anc&feature=rec-LGOUT-exp_fresh%2Bdiv-1r-3-HM

    they tried to BULLDOZE the entire METAPHYSICAL DIMENSION…

    they LOST THE WAR……

    you have FORFEIT YOUR SOUL, shermer… you have become an object in the material world, as you WISHED…

    youtube.com/watch?v=eUB4j0n2UDU

    static.flickr.com/7/11792994_ffaaee87fa.jpg

    we’re gonna smash that TV…

    They had become ENEMIES OF THE PEOPLE AND OF GOD…
    you pushed too much and *CROSSED THE LINE*

    degenerates (PZ) or children (HEMANT) – ATHEISTS!

    youtube.com/watch?v=bRRg2tWGDSY

    do you have anything to say, you STUPID LITTLE F*CKER?

    how about I tell you, Mr. Shermer, EVERYTHING YOU THINK ABOUT THE WORLD is

    *WRONG*

    THE BOOBQUAKE – 911!

    dissidentphilosophy.lifediscussion.net/philosophy-f1/the-boobquake-911-t1310.htm

    youtube.com/watch?v=sx7XNb3Q9Ek

    RUN, ATHEISTS, RUN!!!

    ——————-

  25. Victoria said

    Done and done. I listed my favorite restaurants as nurseries, because we all love nomming babies, dontcha know.

    @dmab:

    wat.

    WAT.

    WAT.

  26. Azky:
    I think Sarge was trying to say that there are some Kentuckians who might not share my sense of humor.

    Miss Addict:
    Well good onya for coming up with an American address. Thanks.

    Jack:
    I’m not sure if upstate is still technically New Yawk. If you ax me, you people outside the city tawk funny.

    Victoria:
    Ah, you and Hemant share the same dietary preferences, eh?

    I’ll have you know that I’d deleted Dmab’s comment — it’s spam, really — but then I noticed that you’d replied to it. So, in deference to you, I brought it back to life. I guess that makes me a kind of godless blogging Jesus to Dmab’s e-Lazarus. In any case, I don’t know how you could have conceivably resisted the brilliant logical arguments of that person (or, perhaps, rantobot).

  27. SezMe said

    I used Mapquest to find a real address. I figure they might scrub all the furners. Also her courtesy of Farygulaa (or however the hell you spell it).

  28. You cheeky monkey! Look what you’ve got going on. Very nice.

  29. Don’t they burn witches and atheists in Kentucky? It is my understanding that atheism is one step below miscegenation on the list of high crimes.

  30. SezMe:
    Ah, Mapquest. Another good idea, and you may have even come up with the real address of a devout Baptist. Shit, I hope so.

    Philly:
    Even with PZ’s help, I still doubt that I’ll even come close to winning. But the idea of those people at the Herald-Leader asking one another “Who the fuck is Larry Wallberg?” just cracks me up. For the first time ever, I’ll be getting full humorous value out of having a Jewish last name.

    By the way, it’s SI who’s really the cheeky one.

  31. Des:
    It is my understanding that atheism is one step below miscegenation on the list of high crimes.

    Well, if I win, perhaps I’ll try to get a black friend to pose as my wife. A male black friend. Who’s allergic to horses.

  32. They’ll probably wonder why someone from “Other”, in this case Canada, is voting in their poll…

    I suspect they might void any ballots that just had ‘Larry Wallberg’ and ‘None’, which were from out of state, particularly if the numbers get especially skewed, ie. Larry Wallberg had 46 792 votes, #2 had 3008 votes.

  33. Glenister:
    I suspect they might void any ballots that just had ‘Larry Wallberg’ and ‘None’…

    You’re probably right, but that would be cheating on their part. Nowhere in the “rules” does it state that a voter has to fill in more than one category, or that the voter has to come from the Lexington area. Anyway, if my votes suddenly disappear, I’m counting on you to pull them magically out of your hat.

  34. srsny said

    I used one of my old addresses from when I lived in North Carolina. I also had to use a seldom used email that doesn’t have nyc in it.

  35. Srsny:
    Well, I happen to know your real address, but I promise I won’t reveal it when I’m brought before the Grand Inquisitor.

  36. Alex said

    I’m pretty sure Dmab is Dennis Markuze. Google him if you don’t know who he is.

  37. Oaktown Girl said

    OK, I got the word over at PZ’s place, so here I am. I was afraid that the folks running the poll might get a little freaked about a bunch of out-of-staters jacking the results so I faked a KY address. I used the TV show Justified as my starting point, and Googled “Harlan KY” (what d’ya know, there really is a Harlan, KY!) and went from there.

    I’m currently exiled in CA’s Bible Belt (yes, there is a Bible Belt in CA) and am pretty miserable. If this helps stab back at the heart of Christian-itic America, more power to you. Good luck!

  38. Alex:
    Thanks for the tip on Dmab. I Googled him and found two of PZ’s posts about Markuze. Whatever the guy’s real name is, he’s definitely a scary lunatic.

    Oaktown Girl:
    I think that, unfortunately, every state in our “Christian nation” has its own bible belt. But I can tell you as a fairly new Kentuckian: There seems to be something really special about the South. Its collective belt is big enough to hold up the pants of every fundy nut in the country.

  39. Mercuriousss said

    Another member of the Pharyngula horde here. Since I am out of state also, I used the address of a place that offers male Strip O Grams. Alex @36 is correct. Dmab is Dennis Markuze aka Dave Mabus. Here is a good rundown on him. He brings the term “batshit crazy” to an all time high(low?).

  40. DuckPhup said

    I took note that there are categories for best place to get a massage and best place to work. I put ‘Happy Ending Massage’ for both.

  41. Owl700 said

    Good luck,Larry

    Cheers from Hamilton, Ontario, by way of Pharyngula

  42. dave said

    Thanks to PZ you’re probalbly going to kick the shit out of the poll. All the best. dave

  43. My, my. It’s seems that was a good suggestion. Imagine my surprise when I log in this AM and see all this?

    I agree with Chappy on my reasons for not giving my address. I also gave a correct email addy, but they don’t need my street address. For all I know they pass all this info onto the local bishop, who then proceeds to excommunicate me…

    Wait! Is it too late to go back and give them my real address?

    BTW, that last guy is definite spam. I have him in my spam blocker for instant deletion. I didn’t even do that to Gideon, so you know he’s a waste of time. He shows up all over the heathenosphere.

  44. BTW, that last guy is definite spam. I have him in my spam blocker for instant deletion. I didn’t even do that to Gideon, so you know he’s a waste of time. He shows up all over the heathenosphere.

    And having now read the comments in some detail, I see you’ve already figured this out.

  45. Merc:
    I hope the address you entered counts, but perhaps it will be familiar to some of the editors at the paper.

    Thanks for the info on Markuze. This morning, I discovered yet another comment — actually, the same one for the third time — from Markuze. I have now officially designated all further comments from him as spam.

    Duck:
    So you don’t care if your the worker or the workee, eh?

    Owl:
    Cheers to you, too. And thanks.

    Dave:
    If I do kick the shit out of the poll, it will definitely be thanks to PZ. There are only so many times my three regular readers could have voted.

    SI:
    Yes, it was a very good suggestion. Thanks. I’ve really come up in the world when I’m worth three spams from a paranoid schizophrenic religious zealot.

  46. SezMe said

    Larry, I hate to abandon you in your time of crisis, but the unsubscribe link on the auto e-mail does not work and I don’t see an unsubscribe link here. How do I bail out?

  47. Oaktown Girl said

    I think that, unfortunately, every state in our “Christian nation” has its own bible belt. But I can tell you as a fairly new Kentuckian: There seems to be something really special about the South. Its collective belt is big enough to hold up the pants of every fundy nut in the country.

    Oh no doubt! You don’t need to edumacate me on that score! I live in a Bible belt, you live in The Bible Belt. Here’s an example of how the difference plays out in everyday life:

    This is a generalization and there are exceptions of course, but where you live, folks will tell you right to your face that you’re going to hell if you don’t repent and come to Jesus – and they’ll say it with absolute glee. In fact, they couldn’t be happier about it. They’re looking forward to roasting marshmallows from their cloud up in Heaven over your body that Satan’s got rotating on a spit in hell. Where I live, folks are much more “polite” about it. They won’t say anything to your face. They’ll just smile condescendingly and give you a look of combined sadness and pity because it really makes them very sad that you’re choosing to go to hell.

    I didn’t see anything on your “About” page as to why you’re in KY. Can you tell us? Also, I haven’t had a chance to check out all your sidebar links yet, but definitely got to thank you for Tea Party Jesus!

  48. Oaktown Girl said

    OK, see, that’s why you need to add a preview button! If you’re able to get rid of all that bold text via an edit function, I’d be much obliged. Only “The Bible Belt” was supposed to be in bold. Thanks.

  49. Sez:
    I hate to abandon you in your time of crisis …
    As Thomas Paine said: “These are the links that try men’s souls.

    The auto button should work. I have no idea why it doesn’t. But here’s a long WordPress article about subscriptions; I hope it helps. If not, this could be the beginning of a not-so-beautiful friendship.

    Oaktown Girl:
    That’s a very nice summary of the difference between a Bible belt and The Bible Belt.

    I moved to Kentucky because I wanted to be at the epicenter of the fried-chicken world.

    Actually, my wife, a Lexington native, was offered an excellent job here. Since I can work wherever I have access to the Internet, Fedex, and a telephone, I allowed myself to be dragged along. If we hadn’t been leaving the subtropical hellhole of Central Florida, I’d have probably been kicking and screaming. As it was, I silently sipped my mint julep and waited to see what would develop. This blog was the result.

    I’ve fixed your HTML. In future, you can always feel free to email me about correcting typos. In the case of something like your boldface spill, which you clearly didn’t mean, I probably would have corrected that even without your note.

  50. Oaktown Girl said

    Thanks for the fix, Larry! And thanks for telling us how you ended up in KY.

    I love that your blog offers all the html code options for comments, so I’m gonna keep lobbying for you to add a preview button so it’s not so nerve-wracking to use them!

  51. Oaky:
    Supposedly, I should be able to add a Preview feature through my Plug-Ins menu. The only problem is: I don’t seem to have a Plug-Ins menu.

    Perhaps a WordPress user can tell me how to find and/or get that.

  52. SezMe said

    Wow! You actually have telephones in KY! Film at 11.

    Thanks for the WordPress link on unsubscribing. If it doesn’t work, what is your sign? We can’t be getting too intimate without establishing compatibility. :-))

  53. SezMe said

    Damn. It turns out you have to create a wordpress account in order to unsubscribe. What a pain in the patootie. Can you create an official Wallberg bitch to request an upgrade? In the meantime, I’ll jump through the hoops to walk through the procedures. If that doesn’t work, that dress you’re wearing makes your ass look fat.

  54. Oaktown Girl said

    Larry – I’m so low-tech that when I had a wordpress blog I had to get help with basic things like plug-ins, including the plug-in for the preview function. But there are so many folks out there who are nifty at blog tech stuff, now that you’ve put the word out I’m pretty confident someone will be able to help you locate the damn plug-ins menu. And I do appreciate you looking into it, thanks.

  55. Sez:
    You actually have telephones in KY!
    Yes, but they work only if you’re barefoot.

    … what is your sign? We can’t be getting too intimate without establishing compatibility.
    I was born under the sign of “Your Taxes Done Here, 2nd Floor.”

    Can you create an official Wallberg bitch to request an upgrade?
    Sorry, Kentucky law forbids the development of human-canine hybrids.

    If that doesn’t work, that dress you’re wearing makes your ass look fat.
    But if it does work, how does my ass look?

    Oaky:
    … now that you’ve put the word out I’m pretty confident someone will be able to help you …

    As the bible says in John 1:1 —
    In the beginning was the put-out Word, and the Word was with WordPress, and the Word was “Help!”

  56. QxR said

    I just moved out of Hopkinsville, so I at least had a local address to stick in the bar. Here’s hoping you get it!

  57. QxR:
    Thanks. I hope you moved someplace less Jesus-y.

  58. I’m researching people willing to be interviewed for an article regarding the occult and love spells.
    Please contact me if you have had any experience with spell casters, good or bad.
    Discretion and privacy are guaranteed.
    Thanks.

    Readers:
    Normally, I automatically delete all spam. But I can’t resist letting this comment stand. I have, however, fiddled a bit with the links.
    – Larry Wallberg

  59. Don said

    Dropping in to see the results of the vote. Not til August 1st, I see. I’ll be back, good luck.

  60. Don:
    I’m assuming that I haven’t won, since the newspaper has made no attempt to contact me. I’m guessing that if my votes were actually being considered, someone over at the Herald-Leader would have been curious to find out who the fuck I was. But we won’t know for sure until August 1.

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