My Old Kentucky Homesite

Dear Athiest

Posted by Larry Wallberg on 05/19/2010

[Note: Some of the friendlier atheist blogs run occasional features in which a guest writer gives long-winded answers to correspondents who write to him for solutions to their personal problems.  Unlike Dr. Philistine, I’m not qualified to give advice at such length. (For example, my answer to Jessica would have been: “Duh. Send your kid to public school.”) But I do get my share of email inquiries, and I hate to let those notes go unanswered.  So, today’s column will be devoted to some of the thousands of uninteresting queries I receive.]

Dear Athiest,

I have a bad tooth aich. I prayed about it but God dont seem to do nothin to help. Its gotten sos I cant eat any food harder than mush with out yellin ouch or even somethin worse that sounds like Im takin His name in my veins. Cold yogert feels real good in my mouth but I hate the taste of it unless its coffee which it aint cause my wife dont buy any kinds but mixed beeries and aprilcut which I both hate. I also prayed about her shoppin so maybe the Lord woud make her pick up a better flayver, but my wife just says God heps those who hep theyselves. But hes not heppin me none! So what shoud I do?

Yours in Christ,

I.M.N. Payne

I.M.N.:

I suggest you see a dentist. You can pay him to buy whatever kind of yogurt you like.

Deer Athiest,

I was thinking the other day that John must of got it wrong when he said Jesus wept in chapter 11 verse 35, that’s the shortest verse in the hole Bible so I got it mammarized. Jesus could’nt of wept because gods do’nt cry, not even my husband crys and hes no god bulleave me! And over some guy named Lazris dieing? Jesus don’t cry at all when other people die even preachers and such. So do you think maybe John got it wrong? Floyd thinks yes because he says that Jesus woulda just manned up insted of balling like some girl. And what kinda name is Lazris I never knew no body with no name like that? How could Jesus wept about some one with such a wierd name I never heard of? Also, how come your an athiest when the Bible is the Holy Word of God?

Your freind,

Jess Asken

Jess:

Lazarus (note the correct spelling) was Jesus’s good friend. If you’ll read the next few verses (Yes, I know they have a lot of words, but perhaps you and Floyd could get through them if you go slowly), you’ll find that Christ prayed really hard and — presto! — Lazarus came back from the dead. I agree that preachers don’t usually rise up after they die, but that’s probably because they’re not on Jesus’s list of friends. I also agree that Lazarus is a weird name. I’m an atheist because I think the bible is stupid.

Deere Athiest,

There IS a hell and YOUR going their!!!! But their’s STILL TIME. Except the SAVOR JESUS CRHIST!!!!! Just remember that disapline is the key. GOD is your captain, your judge and, your jury. ‘The Lord will open the heavens, the store house of his bounty” !!!! (Duetoromony 28-1:12) In case your wandering, thats the Bibles’ way of saying He will give you good stuff from his store in the sky. And it will be FREE!!!! Otherwhys, ten days half rations. Keel haul this athiest!

Sin surly,

Christian Fletcher

Christian:

I don’t need any good stuff from the lord. I have too much stuff already. Perhaps he could figure out a way to ship it to the world’s most impoverished countries. By the way, your name made me chuckle because my best friend in third grade was a kid named Fletcher Jew.

der athiest,

heres what i dont under stand about you athiest poeple. you say theres no god but every body else says there is. can you prove theres no god? NO! so every body else must be right!

yours truely,

Billy Bob Aristotle

Billy Bob:

I’m glad you cleared that up for me.

Dere Athiest,

So let me get this strait. You don’t beleive that God causes all those horrorcanes an twizzlers an earthquacks an fluds an sudokus an oil spills. Am I rite? So who then? You?

Signed,

Sunny Daze

Sunny:

Aw, you caught me. I confess: I made all that bad weather. But please don’t hold me responsible for mosquitoes, tubercle bacilli, and nauseatingly cute kittens.

Dare Athiest,

If there ain’t no God, then why should we be good. You could just as well rape and murder and steel and masterbate and be a homo and kill babies and turn commie and say bad words and masterbate and cheat on your wife and drink and dance and smoke and masterbate. So that’s why I believe in God. Otherwise I might do those things except be a homo which I ain’t cause Bubba and I was ony fooling around and it didn’t mean nothing. And I’d probly never be no commie neither because I’d rather be an American than one a them cuckoo ratchas from Porta Rico or New Mexico or France. But otherwise I might. So what’s your excuse?

Love (but NOT in that way),

Sue (yeah that’s my name you wanna make something of it?) Macho

Sue:

Were you aware that Bubba’s from France? You can prove it by offering him some Velveeta. If he turns it down, you’ll know for sure.

Dir Athiest,

I make you a bet. You can chose to bleeve in God or not. If you do you win when you die cuz you go to heven. If you dont you lose cuz Ill kill you. So wich do you pick?

Watch Your Ass,

Sal Vation

Sal:

Could you throw in an all-expenses paid “cruise to nowhere” with the first option?

Dire Athiest,

I’m an athiest 2. I been looking for the nearest athiest church so I can practiss my relijon, but I can’t fine it in the phone book. So I’d be great full if you coul tell me where do you go to prey to nobody? Thanx for you’re cornside ration.

You’re fallow athiest,

Lourdice Myshepard

Lourdice:

No-god is everywhere. So you don’t need a church to practice your religion. Just pick whatever time and place you choose, and fall on your knees. I promise you, no lord will hear your prayers. Bless you, my daughter, for you have sneezed.

Dr Athiest,

I’m riting to you acause I spect that yawl will know this. It was the Final Joepardy answer tother day, but my dang TV went dead during the thinking music afor Alec’s had a chanct to come back and tell us what the question was. The catigory was The Dammed and the answer was: When he died, the athiest went to this place. ROFLMAO! Got yawl, dint I?

Ha,

Ben Gleck

Ben:

I believe the answer is “Kentucky.” Although it might be “the dentist’s office.”

[Note: If you have a question for Dear Athiest, please check your spelling, punctuation, and grammar (if she’s still alive).  Sorry, but mail received with no errors cannot be printed. Letters must be between 1 and 1,000,000 words long; pictures count as 1,000 words, and may be tampered with for space.  All letters published become the exclusive property of  the delete button.]

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17 Responses to “Dear Athiest”

  1. Dear Athiest

    I love to drink tea, and I hear they’re having a party in Kentucky. Should I move their?

    Shi Thead

  2. Shi:
    Sure, but you’ll have to bring your ol’ bag with you.
    FYI: One of our favorite kinds of tea is “My Name Is Earl Grey.”

  3. Susannah Roitman said

    I love that Mister “Friendly Atheist” has an advertisement for a Catholic dating website on his blog. Nice.

  4. the chaplain said

    I agree that preachers don’t usually rise up after they die, but that’s probably because they’re not on Jesus’s list of friends.

    Given the low number of people who have risen from the dead, I’m guessing that Jesus doesn’t have many friends.

  5. Susannah:
    Well, he does say that he’s friendly. What I’d like to know, though: Is there a “Friendly Catholic” blog that advertises an atheist dating website?

    Chappy:
    I’d say that your guess is right. Who wants to be friends with somebody who never responds to text messages?

  6. Lorena said

    LOL! I’ve never masturbated, but I may try to masterbate. It must be awesome if that Christian is so obsessed with it.

  7. Lorena:
    I would definitely recommend masturbation, no matter how you spell it.

  8. But you’ve said you’re against mental masturbation. Is that still true, Mr. Atheist?

    I’m not sure if you’re against the letter writing, the attempts to answer, or both. Like it or not, there are idiots and ignorant people out there and if they’ve got a question regarding atheism, then asking an atheist is a good idea. I’ll agree that there’s no need for that atheist to be so fucking verbose in his responses. Christ, that response you linked to was ridiculous. Here’s a better one:

    Dear Jessica,

    Your bigger problem is thinking atheism is a belief system, followed closely by thinking that allowing people to indoctrinate your child with superstitious beliefs every day shows how wonderfully tolerant you are.

  9. Philly:
    Oh, yes, I’m definitely against mental masturbation. All other forms are OK in my book. (But, please, not actually in my book.)

    In principle, I don’t mind the letter-writing or the attempts to answer. I’m appalled, though, by the Dr. Phil tone of the answerer, his logorrhea, and, most of all, his questionable advice. Since Dr. Phil, himself, is the bogousity champion of the world, I guess that our “Dear Atheist” friend will have to settle for being known as “the shah of sham.”

    And, yeah, there are dozens of points that could have been made about what Jessica wrote, which was stupid in soooo many ways. But the bottom line, as I saw it, was: So why the fuck are you sending your kid to a Catholic school if you don’t want her indoctrinated? Public schools aren’t good enough for your princess?

  10. Is there a “Friendly Catholic” blog that advertises an atheist dating website?

    The only dating websites on “Friendly Catholic” blogs are of this type:

    Clergyman seeks pious youths for “private mentoring.”

  11. Des:
    All responses kept confidential — or else!

  12. Actually, a lot of people in Philly believe the Catholic schools are better. Having only had about a year of elementary public school (which was nearly 30 years ago) I’m not in a position to say one way or another, but I do remember the Catholic kids would travel in packs and pick fights with everyone. Here in DE, the public schools are allegedly so bad that everyone we know who has a kid won’t even consider putting their kid in them, and instead pay through the nose for private schools (some are $20+k a year). Since I’m right on the border, if I had a kid I’d rent a room in PA and send the kid to the PA public school using that address. It would be cheaper. But hey, no sales tax in DE!

  13. Philly:
    You’re giving Jessica a reasonable motivation for sending her kid to a Catholic school. But you have no evidence that it’s true.

    Maybe she’s just a snooty bitch who doesn’t want her spoiled kid mingling with the hoi polloi.

  14. No, I’m informing you of a reason for why people put their precious little snowflakes in Catholic schools rather than public schools. I don’t agree with it even if it is true, since I find the price of indoctrinating your child too expensive. On the bright side, I can safely say there were plenty of girls at the Catholic high school near my public high school some 20 years ago who most certainly were not indoctrinated with Catholic nuttiness. ;)

    I will grant that I’ve heard your hoi polloi excuse given by people before, if by hoi polloi you mean not white.

  15. Philly:
    I also disapprove of sending one’s kids to private school, and not only because of the outrageous cost. It’s partially because of that over-hyped self-esteem/entitlement thing you’re always writing about. But there are some other reasons too; I could write a whole post on my attitude toward private schools. But I won’t, because the topic bores me. At least today.

  16. the chaplain said

    I can safely say there were plenty of girls at the Catholic high school near my public high school some 20 years ago who most certainly were not indoctrinated with Catholic nuttiness.

    They seem to have been a lot like the Catholic school guys I knew.

  17. Thank god for them! ;)

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