My Old Kentucky Homesite

Could YOU Be an Intelligent Designer?

Posted by Larry Wallberg on 05/10/2010

[Note: Most of the following post was written in March 2007. I lifted the original verbatim, because I think atheists are sometimes way too serious. However, I couldn’t resist adding a new, improved image, now with 300% more schlong!]

Once in a while, even the most dedicated of us get tired of separating church and state. That’s when Jefferson would pull out his fiddle, or make a trip down to his wine cellar. Me, I go trolling through the Internet to find mindless time-wasters.

So, okay, if you pull the elephant’s back legs down slowly, first to the right and then to the left, you can fashion a decent tail; to form two distinct flukes, put a little indent in the middle. Then stretch the front legs slowly, one at a time to turn them into flippers. If you press down on the critter’s back, not too far behind its head, and then do the same around its rear end, you’ll be left with a bump on its spine that you can shape into a fin.

Thus, your elephant becomes a sea mammal.

You can perform this little exercise in unintelligent design by playing a kids’ “game” called Animal Warp at Besides the elephant, you can try your hand improving a toucan, a rhino, a monkey, and various other species. What, exactly, this activity has to do with Christianity is sneakily withheld during the game. Just a few clicks away, though, you can learn all kinds of wondrous misinformation about nature, creationist propaganda written in the kind of simple language that any Christian — child OR adult — can understand. The most important lesson, of course, is:

In the beginning God created everything perfect …

If you’re an inventive and shameless parent, you can use “Animal Warp” to show your offspring what a shitmess they could make out of god’s allegedly perfect creations. When they push and pull the poor animal’s picture, they’re probably gonna wind up with some unidentifiable goo, looking like a chocolate Easter beast that has melted way beyond recognition. Why? Because your kids don’t have a really great plan like the big guy’s.

One thing he probably didn’t anticipate, however, was sea debris: floating condoms, cigarette butts, plastic straws, indestructible gum, pages ripped out of bibles, and, of course, an oil slick the size of … what is it up to today? … Jupiter. Which is why I went to the bottom of the Elephorpoise’s trunk and pulled on both ends until it looked like a vacuum cleaner attachment.

Why didn’t god think of that one, huh?

I hate to brag, but I also created a new species: the Huge-Penised Flying Devil Monkey, so named because it looks like a flying devil monkey with an unusually large schmeckel. Actually, the “penis” is really just the creature’s appendix. (Proof: The individual shown is a female.)

I don’t remember how I was able to copy my critters. It must not have been too hard to do, because unlike other creator gods, I never work in mysterious ways. (In fact, every time I try to play dice with the universe, I lose big-time.) If any reader can figure out how to save the images made with “Animal Warp,” please leave a comment telling the rest of us what steps we need to follow. Assuming that it is possible, somehow, to memorialize your work, feel free to send me your jpegs, and I’ll add them to this post. Otherwise, why not just describe what you’ve made? (But don’t forget to ask Adam to name it.)

Readers’ Gallery

<——Darwin Fish by SI

Hell-o-kitty by Chappy ——>


12 Responses to “Could YOU Be an Intelligent Designer?”

  1. Darwin Fish by SI.

    I simply used a program that allowed me to capture a portion of the screen, then uploaded it by FTP to a site my email carrier gives me.

    This is my pathetic attempt to design creatures of the sea to walk on land. I feel so powerful.

  2. Of course I forget to close the code.

  3. SI:
    Very nice work. A vast improvement over god’s. Now, instead of just watching those bastards swim around and around doing nothing, we can race them — as soon as someone designs a snail jockey.

    I’ve closed your code, and added your work to the Readers’ Gallery.

  4. Some else can design the mini track shoes for their little feet.

  5. the chaplain said

    SI – you’re an awesome designer.

    Larry – to capture screenshots, or images on-screen, I use the “print screen” button at the top of the keyboard (it may say PrtSc or something like that) to copy whatever is on my screen onto my clipboard. I paste that into an image editor, trim away the stuff I don’t want, and save the image.

  6. Chappy:
    So where’s your critter? Surely, you can up with something better than one of those ridiculous life forms that god designed, like the leech or the sea cucumber or the mosquito or Pat Robertson.

  7. the chaplain said

    My critter is here.

  8. Looks like a Vampire Cat. Or the Creature from the Hairball Lagoon.

  9. Everyone:

    If you read the page that features “Animal Warp,” you probably noticed all the interesting content below the game.
    Our friend, Des, decided that the text needed to be warped, too.

  10. OK. That’s officially hilarious.

  11. SI:
    Yes, I agree. And since I forgot to link to Des’s blog, I’ll do so here.

  12. the chaplain said

    I have a question about Des’ Game of the Month: are we supposed to bring our own matches, or will the host provide them? Also, should they be safety matches?

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