My Old Kentucky Homesite

Why Kentucky Needs Gun Control

Posted by Larry Wallberg on 05/06/2010

Me: Hi, my name is [pronounced very carefully] Larry Wallberg.
Recep: And what’s your first name?
Me: Larry. L. A. R. R. Y. And my last name is Wallberg. W. A. L. L. B. E. R. G.
Recep: OK, Mr. Garry, how can I help you?
Me: Yesterday, someone over in your practice was supposed to fax my dental X-rays to my old family dentist.
Recep: Dental X-rays. Mm-hmm.
Me: My dentist received them, but they’re not readable. They’re all black.
Recep: All black. Mm-hmm.
Me: So could you people fax him some better copies?
Recep: You say we faxed him copies yesterday?
Me: Yes, but they were unreadable.
Recep: These were your dental records we faxed?
Me: Yes. But they weren’t readable.
Recep: And you say your dentist never received them?
Me: No, he received them, but they were all black. He couldn’t read them.
Recep: Couldn’t read them. Mm-hmm.
Me: So I’d like to know if it’s possible to send him some readable copies today.
Recep: And who am I speaking to?
Me: Larry Wallberg. I’m the patient.
Recep: Patient. Mm-hmm. And how do you spell your name, Mr. Wilbur?
Me: W. A. L. L. That’s two L’s. B. E. R. G.
Recep: Oh. Albert. And what’s your last name?
Me: No. Let me start again. My last name is W. A. L. L. B as in Baby. E. R. G.
Recep: I think I’ve got it now. Mr. Ellery. Mm-hmm. [shuffling noises] I can’t seem to find your files.
Me: Could you read my name back?
Recep: Sure. A. L. L. Two L’s, right? E. E. R. And then you said “Y” at the end, right?
Me: That’s almost correct. Put a W in front.
Recep: W in front. Mm-hmm.
Me: Now do you see those two E’s? Make the first one a B as in Baby.
Recep: You mean like a little baby?
Me: Yes, a very little baby.
Recep: Baby. Mm-hmm.
Me: Then change the last letter. You made it a Y, but it should be a G as in Girl. And that’ll be perfect.
Recep: There’s no G in World.
Me: OK, make it a G as in Google.
Recep: Oh, a G. Mm-hmm.
Me: Yes.
Recep: So it’s W. A. L. B. E. G., right?
Me: Close enough.
Recep: And you said your first name was Wilbur?
Me: Is there anyone else I could speak to?
Recep: No, they’re all out to lunch.
Me: OK, I’ll call again later. When do they get back from lunch?
Recep: Well, they’re usually back here by 1:30.
Me: It’s 1:45 now.
Recep: 1:45. Mm-hmm. I imagine they’ll be back soon. You can call back then if you’d like.
Me: Good idea.
Recep: OK, Mr. Wilbury.


13 Responses to “Why Kentucky Needs Gun Control”

  1. I’m picturing the x-rays going through the fax machine.

  2. Philly:
    Maybe they need to put my gritted teeth through the fax machine.

  3. srsny said

    I think you’ll save some time and irritation if you just bring your teeth to Florida, and forget the fax machine.

  4. Susannah Roitman said

    I had the same thing happen to me when confirming a hair appointment.
    Susannah Roitman became Sharon Rollen and the receptionist was perplexed that I was not in the system.

  5. Srsny:
    I shiver at the idea of trying to book a plane ticket to Florida.
    Me: Hi, my name is Larry Wallberg and I’d like to buy a round-trip ticket to Orlando, Florida.
    Recep: Is that in Ohio?
    Me: No, Orlando’s in Florida.
    Recep: Fordera? I don’t see that on our map.
    Me: F. L. O. R. I. D. A.
    Recep: What did you say comes after the F, again?
    Me: [resisting temptation, speaking very slowly] L. O.
    Recep: L. O. Mm-hmm.
    Me: R. I. D. A.
    Recep: Folderol, right? And you said the name of the city is Wilbur?

    Obviously, names like Larry Wallberg and Susannah Roitman are far too exotic for Kentuckians. Maybe I should change mine to something simpler, like Harland P. Breckinridge. And you might have better luck if you’d go by Winona Mae Clooney.

  6. Lorena said

    Yeah, gun control. I would’ve had convulsions and then I would’ve shot myself.

  7. Lorena:
    I was more concerned about what would happen if the receptionist were to take a gun safety class.

  8. Perhaps you should change your name from Larry to something more run-of-the-mill. Say, Jedediah or Zebulon. On second thought: Nathan Bedford Wallberg.

  9. Des:
    And then, instead of spelling “Wallberg” with two Ls, maybe I could spell it with three Ks?

  10. the chaplain said

    You could start going by Larry Joe, Larry Bob, Larry Roy, Larry Lee…

    or Bubba.

  11. Chappy:
    In Yiddish, bubbe (pronounced “BUH-beh”) means “grandmother.” I’ve never been able to figure out why so many Southern men are eager to identify themselves as women with grandchildren.

  12. TinaFCD said

    Oh my goodness, hilarious!

  13. Tina:
    As Mae West would have said: Your goodness had nothing to do with it.

    I’m glad you decided to come up and see me again. But actually, this is more of a comedown, right?

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