My Old Kentucky Homesite

21 Worst Arguments for the Existence of God

Posted by Larry Wallberg on 04/22/2010

I’ve heard every one of these arguments, and so have you. These versions may be slightly exaggerated. But only slightly.

1. If there were no God, there would be no bible, because the writers of the bible were inspired by God. So if there’s a bible, there must be a God. There’s definitely a bible, because I saw a whole stack of them on sale at WalMart. So there must be a God at WalMart, too.

2. Somebody definitely loves me, because I feel loved. But everybody who knows me thinks I’m a creep. So there must be a God.

3.If you can imagine a God, there must be one, because your imagination really sucks.

4. Since every living thing changes, somebody must have set that change in motion. Obviously, that couldn’t have been you, because you don’t even change your socks when you need to. So it must have been God.

5. My gun-toting Christian neighbor says I’d better believe.

6. Everybody throughout history believed in a God. Except Hitler. Doesn’t that tell you something?

7. Since there’s no logic unless there’s a God, you can’t prove to me logically that there’s no God. Ergo, there IS a God. QED, WTF, & ROFLMAO.

8. The universe must have had a beginning. So it’s exactly like a story. Since a story has a writer, someone must have written the universe. Obviously, he had to have used a gigantic invisible pen, because computers weren’t invented yet.  Only God is strong enough to write legibly with that kind of pen.

9. You can’t desire something that doesn’t exist. I desired a shiny red Chevy pick-up that cost less than $500. Sure enough, I found one in an ad in the paper, even though it was dirty white and it didn’t have a working engine or any windows, and it still set me back 750 bucks. Therefore, God exists.

10. If there’s no God, how do you explain this voice in my head, huh? Did you ever think of that, you wacko atheists?

11. Everything has a cause. Nothing happens by accident. So somebody must have had a reason for creating the world. There are two possibilities who that somebody was: either God or an atheist. But by their own admission, all atheists say that they weren’t around when the world was created. So it must have been God.

12. You can’t have any ideas if you have no brain in your head. However, some ideas have been around for a very long time, maybe even 6,000 years. Clearly, no person’s brain is that old.  So who can be thinking all those ideas? Only God has a head that can last so long, although I think it would look much nicer if he trimmed his nose hairs.

13. How else can you explain the fact that there are exactly 60 seconds in a minute, and exactly sixty minutes in an hour, and exactly 6o hours in two and a half days, and exactly 60 days in two months (except for the weird ones like January, February, March, May, July, August, October, and December)? That didn’t happen just by accident.

14. Where would human morals come from if there was no God eager to torture us eternally for not believing in him?

15. Without a God, what a poor, pathetic, pointless place Kentucky would be.

16. According to your stupid theories, I would still be a monkey if there was no God. Obviously, I’m not a monkey. Right? Right?

17. Since Nature is perfect, it must be God’s creation. I thought of that today while I was fertilizing my begonias and spraying for aphids.

18. If I pray hard enough, my Entenmann’s Chocolate Donut will turn into Jesus’s body. (NOTE: Some Christian sects think that you can substitute a Hostess Sno Ball. But they’re wrong, because it makes no sense for Jesus to enter anything with coconut.) I know that Jesus’s body becomes one with my donut (although not necessarily with the hole), because I feel as if I’m in heaven with him every time I eat an ECD.  So if I pray sincerely before I eat one, I’ll go to heaven.  As long as I don’t chew.

19. If there weren’t a God to give humans a code of morality, we’d all be godless commie homosexual baby-killers. And, even worse, nobody would ever vacuum.

20. I think country music is beautiful, and so do most of my friends. But my wife left me, and my girlfriend died, and I can’t find a job, and I’m hooked on lite beer, and I’m in jail for serial littering, and the Wildcats lost the championship. So how come I can still tell that a song is beautiful when I hear it? Therefore, there must be a God who made little green apples.

21. A miracle can take place only if there’s a God. It’s a miracle that you’ve read this list. Need I say more?

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24 Responses to “21 Worst Arguments for the Existence of God”

  1. The fact that there’s even one person addicted to lite beer proves there is no god, for what kind of god would allow such a thing?

  2. Philly:
    The god of advertising. Clearly, such an entity is neither omnibenevolent nor omnipotent. But he must be omnivorous. Clearly, he’ll put anything into his mouth.

    By the way, I’m certain about that god’s gender. You’ve seen the commercials, right?

  3. The fact that there is lite beer proves, indisputably, that there is no god. A real god would produce, exclusively, only double bock lagers. Or better.

  4. SI:
    You Doublebockists are all alike, thinking that you have a monopoly on beery truth. But the Constitution expressly forbids any law establishing beer or prohibiting the free exercise thereof. FYI: My beer gets all the exercise it needs by walking back and forth from chair to urinal.

  5. SI:
    Oh, I forgot to say —
    Funny, but you don’t look Brewish.

  6. the chaplain said

    So there must be a God at WalMart, too.

    He’s the old guy in the blue vest that checks all the receipts.

  7. Chappy:
    Aha! That’s why he led me to the still waters when I asked if they had any seltzer.

  8. srsny said

    So you’re saying – If there’s a god, and I never vacuum, then that makes me a godless commie homosexual baby-killer?

    Well, guess what – I NEVER vacuum… wait – what point was I going to mske?

  9. Country music, lite beer, Wal-Mart, and a truck?

    You were well on your way, until you got to the part about Jesus’ body turning into donuts. Didn’t you attend the Kentucky in-brief? You should have been informed that they don’t take kindly to Papists ’round those parts.

  10. he must be omnivorous

    Which, I guess, explains why there are so very few Dodge Omnis still rolling down the highways. god(s) ettemall.

    And what is it with you and ECDs?

  11. Srsny:
    So that’s how you do it! You vacuum up the godless commie homosexual babies. Now, having killed them all, you obviously have no need to run the machine again.

    Des:
    I’m not a Papist. I much prefer Coke.

    (((Billy))):

    god(s) ettemall.
    I’m still not too quick with this Southern thang. At first I thought you were telling me that Jesus is at the mall.

    And what is it with you and ECDs?
    Well, my shrink said I may have ECD, so I ate one. But that left the donuts in the box uneven, so I had to eat another. Then I had too much blank space, so I just ettemall. But then I had to throw out the box, which left a big hole in my fridge where I kept it. (Yeah, I like those suckers cold and crunchy.) So, of course, I had to buy another box.

  12. No question chocolate dipped donuts are best et cold as a Republican’s heart.

    You’re going to ignore the omnivore pun? It ain’t gunna goway, y’know.

  13. (((Billy))):

    It ain’t gunna goway, y’know.
    I’m not sure you’re right. Aren’t Dodge Omnis becoming extinct? If we wait long enough, they’ll all be in heaven with the dodos and the ridable dinosaurs. Then, if any gods want to be omnivorous, they’ll have to dine on stacks of long-dead magazines.

  14. They will never disappear completely. After all, they can (1978-1985) be registered as antiques.

  15. (((Billy))):
    After all, they can (1978-1985) be registered as antiques.
    Well, so can a lot of us.

  16. Naah. We’re like furniture. We’re not antiques ’til we’re a hundred.

    So yeah, I guess you would be. Sorry.

  17. Lorena said

    That KFC chicken tastes so good proves there is a god. How could anybody come up with the recipe without divine inspiration?

  18. (((Billy))):
    We’re like furniture.
    Do you think Ikea what a high boy like you has to say? (Although, I once did act as a chair.)

    Lorena:
    KFC is the invention of Satan. The third circle of hell is reserved for the gluttonous, and there’s a special section set aside for anyone who ever eats a Double Down. The particular torture there is a non-stop chorus of demons who keep asking “Crispy or Grilled? Crispy or Grilled?” Every now and then you get whacked in the head with a side of mashed potatoes and congealed gravy.

  19. LOL! I’m not sure if I’ll end up in that section of hell, because as much as I like the shit, I only eat it twice a year or so. I would weight 400 pounds if I ate it all the time.

  20. Ah, by the way, this is Lorena.

  21. Lorena/Noticed:
    Actually, I knew you were the same person. You’re not the only one who noticed that. Of course, if you blow up to 400 pounds, I suspect that many people will notice. So stop lickin’ those fingers, and send out for some tofu.

  22. the chaplain said

    Lorena/Noticed:
    LOL! I’m obviously not the only person who forgets who I am and where I am on the Internet.

  23. Jonex Ayiks said

    There is existance of God, God is invisible but however,his working powers are visible with us all the time.FOR the riasing of the sun speak for GOD,as Psalmist said only a fool says there is no GOd and he believed not.there is GOD i live today because he so i can face tomorrow.may God blessed you all that believed him and curse are those who refuse to believed in him(GOD).

  24. Everybody knows Apollo is responsible for raising the sun and carrying it across the sky in his golden chariot. Duh! Your god’s alleged working powers that are visible doesn’t even include raising of the spellchecker.

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