My Old Kentucky Homesite

Tiger Woods and Sarah Palin: What’s Going On?

Posted by Larry Wallberg on 04/09/2010

We oh-so-rational atheists are not supposed to just spout off about any old thing, particularly ideas for which we lack evidence. Still, most of us, if we’re being completely truthful, have to acknowledge that we do harbor a few beliefs that might not withstand scientific scrutiny.

A few years back, I wrote a confessional post in which I admitted to some notions that fall into the above category. I’m not going to repeat the items here – most of them were too dull to have been written even once – but I’ll include the first one to show the kind of thing I mean:

Despite all my protestations of tolerance, I really do, deep down, think that anyone who believes in a god is a moron.

Anyway, here are some more unverifiable beliefs by which I live my life:

(1) There’s never anything on TV so important to watch that it’s worth cancelling or postponing any other activity.

(2) People who call you by name at the end of every sentence are always trying to sell you something.

(3) Weddings are a huge waste of money. Nobody ever enjoys them except the bride’s teenage female cousins.

(4) A world with Entenmann’s Chocolate Donuts is heaven enough for anybody.

(5) Doing the newspaper’s sudoku, Jumble, and crossword every day helps stave off senile dementia.

(6) Being a politician and being honest are mutually exclusive.

(7) Most Americans would embrace the most dictatorial political system if they thought it would lower their taxes and help them keep their crappy jobs.

(8) People who believe in a god always picture him as either a baby, a suffering misfit, Charlton Heston, or their father with a long, white beard.

(9) Kids need to have critical thinking abilities far more than they need to have self-esteem.

(10) Sex is fine in the afternoon and at night, but in the morning there’s nothing as good as a bowl of crunchy, sugary breakfast cereal.

(11) Sports stars and entertainers are not heroes.

(12) A twenty-something who says “WTF” in a face-to-face conversation is a fucking idiot.

(13) Unless you’re deluding yourself, it’s impossible to really like the taste of “lite” beer.

(14) The Pope is just an Ayatollah who speaks Italian.

(15) Some activities in life don’t need — and so shouldn’t have — an app.

(16) Driving, no matter how fast it’s done, is not a sport.

(17) Country music singers are not “artists.” Most of them are hardly even singers, f’Chrissake.

(18) No matter how creative it is, a billboard never made anybody change his or her mind about anything.

(19) A good post title will get you more hits on your Web site than interesting content.

(20) Nobody except those actually involved in the proceedings should give a rat’s ass who Tiger Woods or Sarah Palin screwed.

Readers, feel free to add any irrational beliefs that you may espouse.

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16 Responses to “Tiger Woods and Sarah Palin: What’s Going On?”

  1. I think I’d have to agree with all of yours, Larry. I could probably add a few, but I’ll just one for now…

    • It’s always faster to choose the line at the supermarket with 3 people than the line with just one person if that person is elderly

  2. Philly:
    Unless the three people are teenagers with cash, in which case they’ll take forever trying to figure out how to count their change.

  3. 1) Moon landing?
    3) True, but even if you ran off to Kaua’i to get married, the wife will bitch that she didn’t get a “real wedding.”
    5) I would say learning a foreign language would beat all those out.
    9) I would go as far as to say that self-esteem, as it is currently sold, has a negative correlation with accomplishment.
    10) Morning sex is best.
    12) A twenty-something Anyone who says “WTF” in a face-to-face conversation is a fucking idiot.
    16) Similarly, golf, bowling, or any other activity that can be done while drinking and/or smoking is not a sport.
    17) As with many shittier “art” forms, coutry “music” is all about tribalism. I would bet that no one ever sings country songs on -insert foreign country name- Idol. In this country, if you are not from the South or the Southwest and you listen to country music, it is 99% likely that you are a racist asshole.
    On second thought: In this country, if you are not from the South or the Southwest and you listen to country music, it is 99% likely that you are an racist asshole.
    18) Or a bumper sticker or a tattoo.
    19) Not as effective as boobies.

  4. Des:
    Nice emendations. I agree with many of them. But, of course, not all.
    1. News items like that are repeated over and over ad nauseam. I remember watching Jack Ruby shoot Lee Harvey Oswald about a thousand times. The scene never changed, no matter how many times I saw it.
    3. Yep.
    5. You’re probably right, but my examples weren’t intended to be all-inconlusive. Learning anything new is a good strategy for keeping one’s mind working.
    9. Yep.
    10. Apparently, you wake up considerably more bright-eyed and bushy-tailed than I do.
    12. Yep.
    16. I’ll have to think about that one, as soon as I finish my beer and my cigar.
    17. Yep to both the original and the revised version.
    18. Yep. Although please note that I’m the proud parent of an average student.
    19. Ahhhhh … but no one bothers to look for boobies if your title doesn’t say, essentially, “Hey, titties here. Come and get ’em.” I object to the word “boobies” because it could just as easily lead people to something like this.

  5. Ok, here’s another I’ve yet to see countered:
    • If your mouth’s rest position is open, you’re slow and stupid.

    And to expand on your #3:
    • Funerals are a huge waste of money. Nobody ever enjoys them except for the religious fucks who use the event to dig their hooks into your vulnerable, grief stricken mind.

  6. Philly:
    People who know me would tell you that my mouth is always open. But it’s not at rest, so I guess your first idea doesn’t necessarily apply to me.

    As for your second idea: Isn’t a funeral a great opportunity for (1) social networking and (2) jockeying for position in the family?

  7. Have you been watching reruns of the Sopranos?

  8. srsny said

    I have some numerical responses:

    (1)You mean there are other activities besides watching TV?

    (2)That’s true, Larry. But even more insidious salesmen, Larry, are those who inteerupt their sentences with your name.

    (3)If you weren’t allowed to have a wedding, then, when and if you were permitted one, you would enjoy it heartily.

    (4) This is a perfect time for me to remind you that the proper name for these incomparable delicacies is Entenmann’s Rich Chocolate Donuts (Now that I think of it, does Entenmann’s spell it Doughnuts? Research is required.)

    (5) I agree with you, but I always forget to buy the paper.

    (6) No comment.

    (7)That’s because God hates taxes and helps those who help themselves.

    (8) I always picture a suffering infant with a long white beard and the face of Charlton Heston – holding a lightning bolt in one hand and an AK 47 in the other.

    (9)The corollary to your statement is: critical thinking abilities LEAD TO self esteem.

    (10) The good thing about the morning is that you’re not likely to fall asleep in the midst.

    (11) And that’s exactly why kids look up to them.

    (12) A twenty-something who says “WTF” in a face-to-face conversation is a WTFing idiot.

    (13) It depends upon how many you’ve had.

    (14) Ayatollah notta to make-a funna da church!

    (15)Whar’s an app?

    (16)Unless you’re driving a sports car.

    (17)If you don’t think it takes artistry to yodel – just try it!

    (18)I guess that means you never stopped off at South of the Border… and that nobody else ever did.

    (19) Well – have you gotten a lot of hits for this post? Please report your results to your readers.

    (20) Tiger Woods – I agree; But Sarah Palin screwed a lot more people, most of whom (like the residents of Alaska) probably didn’t deserve it.

  9. Philly:
    Have you been watching reruns of the Sopranos?
    No, I’ve been thinking about the mortuary business.

    Srsny:
    (1) Please don’t ask me any questions right now. I’m watching this great re-re-re-re-rerun of Seinfeld.

    (2) You, Syrsn, are correct, Syrsn. And it’s even more annoying, Syrsn, when they get your name wrong, isn’t it, Syrsn?

    (3) Oh, you’re playing the gay card, eh? (Jack of Hearts, right? I’ve always had my suspicions about him.)

    (4) Entenmann’s spells it “Donuts,” since they are legally prevented from using the word “dough” in a product that doesn’t have any.

    (5) Please don’t talk to me while I’m watching this great re-re-re-re-rerun of Becker.

    (6) Please don’t sit there smugly silent while I’m watching this great re-re-re-re-rerun of CSI: Sheboygan.

    (7) God hates the Jack of Hearts.

    (8) … when he’s not talking to intelligent apes or noshing on Soylent Green.

    (9) I have no self-esteem, so obviously I’m not competent to comment on that.

    (10) But you have to be awake before you can worry about falling asleep.

    (11) Good point. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to watch this great re-re-re-re-rerun of Sesame Street with special guests Moose Skowron and Fabian.

    (12) ROFLOL

    (13) Good point. Please pass me another.

    (14) Please don’t make jokes while I’m watching this great re-re-re-re-rerun of Sezawho? Street with special guest Chico Marx.

    (15) An app is what you take in Kentucky if you’re tarred.

    (16) No, I’m driving a kiddie car. That’s why I’m a comedian.

    (17) Ah, but does it take artistry to eat a Yodel? (You know, it just dawned on me that Yodels are the brand name for what’s generically called a Swiss roll. How clever, huh?)

    (18) I must confess that when I’m on a long drive and I suddenly see those golden arches, I do think about stopping to pee.

    (19) Actually, I’ve gotten very few hits for this post. The only conclusion I can draw is that no one is interested in Tiger Woods or Sarah Palin any more.

    (20) I was waiting for someone to point that out. Sarah Palin is now eager to screw all Americans, so every citizen should be be concerned. Even me. Although not right now, because I’m watching this great re-re-re-re-rerun of The McCarthy Hearings.

  10. I remember watching Ruby shoot Oswald about 1,000 times, too. I agree with damn near all your points — except the God thing. I do believe in God although I have no idea WTF he is. I’m looking out on a beautiful 300 year old oak tree right now and thinking, yeah — that’s good enough for me.

    Nice writing, Larry. I’ll be back.

    Jayne

  11. I do believe in God although I have no idea WTF he is.

    WTF makes you think it has a penis?

  12. Jayne:
    Welcome. Thanks for the compliment. Feel free to ignore any commenters who do or don’t have penises.

    Philly:
    I don’t know how that pronoun problem can be solved. Those who believe in a deity are reluctant to refer to their god as “it;” “she” seems affected; and “he or she” is pedantic. Perhaps a god should always be pronoun-ed in the plural, just as Queen Victoria used when speaking of herself — as in “we are not amused.” Of course, I can’t imagine any god ever being amused, so that phrase is probably a truism.

  13. I would think the use of “he” is an admission of male dominance, but that assumes some thought was made. I think most of the time there isn’t any thought, and “he” is used out of convention, much like belief itself is simply a conventional behavior.

  14. Philly:
    I think you’re right. But I guess I’m under the thumb of considerably more militant feminists than you are, because I’ve been trained to choose my pronouns carefully.

    Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go peel a grape for my wife.

    (Note: The sentiments expressed above are for joke purposes only. I am in absolutely no way whipped by my ladylove. She commanded me to point this out.)

  15. Catherwood said

    My wife and I met in a jazz lounge. So she was surprised when I announced that I also had an affinity for Doc Watson, Chet Atkins, Tony Rice, and Homer & Jethro. In some circles those would be considered country musicians. In others, hill billy or old timey. As an ACLU member and atheist in good standing with my local “Spawn of Satan” club, I take umbrage at the premise of Desertscope’s rant that, “… if you listen to country music, you are an asshole.” There are all kinds of badly written songs in, any genre you can imagine. I’d stack my music collection against anyone I know. While it has its share of twangy guitars, banjos, mandolins, and pedal steel work, it also has lots of rock ‘n roll, jazz, “world music” and classical. To me, assholes are the folks who deal in absolutes when speaking on issues of personal taste.

  16. Catherwood:
    First of all, Des isn’t the only one around here with that kind of an opinion about country music generically. I think that people who say things like “Ah lahk country mos’ly, cause them songs got words that tetch yer heart” are pretty much assholes by any rectal standards you’d want to use. Particularly if they flex their Jesus tattoos while they’re saying that. I do agree with you that if you like music, you’re bound to find something palatable in every genre. (Hell, I can stand Patsy Cline for almost ten minutes at a time.)

    But I think I know your CD collection pretty damned well, and I’d have to say that your twangy stuff is mostly either instrumental or historical, or both. I’d classify the recordings I think you like best as “bluegrass” (a genre that’s authentically interesting) rather than country. And maybe some Western, too. Remember the “Country & Western” genre? Marty Robbins and Johnny Cash and even Frankie Laine, they were Western singers. Head ’em up, move ’em out.

    Second: Homer and Jethro? Those guys were master comedians, and good ones, too. They were actually satirizing, that’s satirizing (did I say “satirizing”?) country music, even though they were amazingly proficient performers. Here’s an example of the hilarious way they countrified standards. One of my favorite humor recordings of all times is the version of “Pal-Yat-chee,” which H&J recorded with Spike Jones & His City Slickers.

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