My Old Kentucky Homesite

God Exists: the Sudokulogical Proof

Posted by Larry Wallberg on 03/19/2010

My friend Desertscope solved a math problem on his blog today. I have absolutely no clue about how his formulas work, or even what the problem was, exactly. However, he definitely either proved his hypothesis or he didn’t.

My hypothesis is much clearer. I can prove mathematically that God exists.

We all know that if God exists, he’s in a constant battle against Satan. God wins, except in those cases in which he doesn’t. Since God works in mysterious ways, and Satan works in plain ol’ ordinary ways, we can assume that — if God does, in fact, exist — the percentage of battles won by Satan would be minuscule. Let’s call it 10-50%, which actually inflates Satan’s chances by approximately a zillion cases. (But, then, that poor devil needs all the help he can get, and what does an overly generous exponent cost us in the grand scheme of things?)

Now, everyone knows that Satan’s favorite number is the very bad 666. All other numbers are good numbers, favored by God. Are you with me so far?

If God exists, then, in a random selection of three numbers, Satan’s favorite number would appear approximately only 10-50% (or less) times.

It so happens that if you take the digits 1 through 9 and fill each of three places with any of those digits, selected at random, you have 9 places x 9 places x 9 places, or 729 potential different three-digit numbers. Thus, your random chance of selecting any specific three-digit number, let’s say 666, would be 1 out of 729.

Stay focused, please. Because I will now astound you.

I’ve done, literally, thousands and thousands of Sudoku puzzles in my lifetime. I was doing those puzzle before they were even called “Sudoku,” back when they were referred to as “Number Place” (not to be confused with “Word Search” or “personal”) problems. In every Sudoku puzzle, there are 81 digits, which can be read as nine rows of nine digits or nine columns of nine digits. Obviously, they can be arranged into umpteen consecutive three-digit numbers.

For the sake of argument, let’s assume that I’ve solved four Sudoku puzzles a day for at least the last 40 years. Leaving leap years out of the equation (because I don’t approve of adding an extra day to February, when the weather’s always so nasty), we get 4 x 365 x 40 = 58,400. I’m going to give God the benefit of my doubt here, so let’s reduce the number of digits in each puzzle to a mere three, not eighty-one. (Voila! We’ve saved ourselves the trouble of writing “umpteen” as a denominator.)  So: Dividing 58,400 by 729, we arrive at approximately 80.109738. I’m going to call that figure a nice round 80, because I rarely do .109738th of a puzzle.

So, if each puzzle yields exactly one three-digit solution, then — assuming that I haven’t lied about the number of puzzles I’ve done in the last forty years — by the laws of probability, I should have seen the consecutive numbers 666 somewhere in the vicinity of 80 times, give or take a degree or two of latitude.

But I’ve never seen that consecutive combination in a Sudoku puzzle! Therefore, I conclude that Satan’s evil number is definitely not appearing with its statistical probability, which, being 1 out of 729 possibilities, is somewhat higher than “never.” So why doesn’t it show up now and then? There’s only one reasonable answer: God keeps it from winning the battle over the other 728 godly combinations. (Except, perhaps, only once out of every 10-50 times. Or, to be more mathematically precise: You should live so long.)

Therefore, as any theist can tell you, God exists.

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13 Responses to “God Exists: the Sudokulogical Proof”

  1. Um. Yeah. Whatever.

  2. srsny said

    Now you’ve taken “seriously silly” to it’s umpteenth degree.

    Larry – according to the the rules of Number Place (I stopped playing it when it turned into Sudoku, because I was offended by the bogus Asian provenance – and by the fact this absurd name change created a popular explosion of that little puzzle that we Dell and Penny Press addicts had been playing for years)- there can be NO REPEATED DIGITS in any row or column. That’s what I learned in statistics is known as a confunding variable, confound it! It’s impossible to see 666, because of the rules of the game. I suppose God could change the rules to help prove your equation. Satan can’t, of course, as I’ve always known from having read as a child The Devil and Daniel Webster. (The great movie version was recently on TCM).

    Worst thing about your post is now you’ve got me jonesing for a puzzle book, and I’ve been on the wagon for months.

    By the way, I went and looked at Desertscope’s proof, and it flooded my brain with painful flashbacks of my losing battle with calculus more than 40 years ago. Auggh! (and that’s not Auggh factorial)

  3. Note: The page you linked to has a comment format I don’t like, so I’ll comment here.

    It doesn’t matter really who is or isn’t a theist in government. What matters is what they do, and too many of them pander to the religious and waste time with prayer resolutions and worse, pass crazy shit like Abstinence only sex ed funding and block stem cell research (and of course blue laws, blocking the sale of sex toys, and let’s not forget opposing equal rights for gays and lesbians).

    As for Sudoku, it’s clearly a game invented by Satan to control the minds of humanity. Mrs. Chief is fully under his control via Sudoku, and his other invention, the internet (sorry Al, you didn’t really invent it, you know). Why anyone would use the internet for Sudoku when there’s so much other great stuff like porn, I have no idea.

  4. Pandering has a long and storied tradition. I wonder why it is that every religious group is a net recipient of benefits, even what would be considered an “out” group like Sikhs (last year, a Sikh doctor was officially permitted to wear his head-diaper and beard while in uniform in the Army). One thing I hate about the left blogosphere is that a lot of lefties consider it a win for civil rights when a minority group is granted rights that others do not have.

    I thought that Sudoku was an evil government conspiracy to occupy those not easily distracted by reality television (that is, the IQ > 90 crowd).

    As far as “abstinence only sex education,” this is another case where we have been duped into using language chosen by the purveyors of some BS for that BS. Since when is it considered “education” to mimic Nancy Reagan’s old “just say no” line? We should call it “chastity coercion.”

  5. … when a minority group is granted rights that others do not have.

    … when a minority group is granted rights special privileges that others do not have.

    I fixed it.

  6. I would agree with you about liberals who’ve lost their minds and who are, imo, what those who get suckered by the extreme right see as the embodiment of the left. A real false dichotomy has emerged; this loony left is no more liberal than the rightwingnuts are true conservatives. The nation is polarized between caricature extremes, and where the true believers and champions of actual liberal and conservative thinking are, I don’t know. They’re in hiding along with moderate religious believers, allowing these caricatures to speak and act on their behalves.

  7. the chaplain said

    Chastity coercion only works if one actually wears a chastity belt (and can’t find the key alongside all the other keys hanging by the garage door).

  8. J-Co:
    I’m glad you agree.

    Srsny:
    You win today’s Stating-the-Obvious prize, so confound your goddamned variable! As far as the rules of Sudoku go, I agree with Philly. Who could have made them if not God? Or, as we call him (God, not Philly) in Japanese: 寿司の生みの親. By the way: Don’t you think TCM should have a Lucifer festival? They could show, for instance: Beat the Devil, Hell is for Heroes, Satan Met a Lady, The Night of the Demon, and Harvey. (Yeah, that last one may seem out of place to you, but every film festival should show Harvey.) However, they probably wouldn’t be able to air The Devil in Miss Jones.

    Philly:
    Feel free to comment here on any posts you see anywhere. I can use the hits.
    The reason why sudoku is more effective than porn is that it’s extremely hard whenever you want it to be, and you can keep putting your digit in as many times as you want.

    Des:
    Question: It’s the real “evil government conspiracy to occupy those not easily distracted by reality television.”
    Answer: What is “Jeopardy”?

    Philly:
    I’m through with Democrats and Republicans, with so-called liberals and alleged conservatives. From now on, I’m voting only for Whigs.

    Chappy:
    I’ve found a key outside my garage door, but I don’t know who it fits. And I’m certain that I won’t find the answer in a Sudoku puzzle. Maybe Philly would enjoy a porn version of “Cinderella.”

  9. MacNutz said

    Dang, and I was so comfortable with the idea that gods don’t exist. You’ve ruined my day. :):)

  10. Mac:
    You may think you’ve got my number, but I’m not to blame. So don’t shoot the Sudoku player.

    (By the way, there are 18 words in that response. Since 18 is three 6’s, I’ve cunningly sneaked an atheistic 666 into this thread. Are you happy now?)

  11. MacNutz said

    Thanks, I feel so much better and I bet you do too. :)

  12. srsny said

    However, they probably wouldn’t be able to air The Devil in Miss Jones.

    They could show (and have many times) the original title, The Devil and Miss Jones, but you wouldn’t watch it anyway because you don’t like Jean Arthur. It’s one of my favorites and a great example of why the anti communists went after Hollywood.

  13. Srsny:
    I don’t know what gave you the idea that I don’t like Jean Arthur. I just don’t like her as much as I like about a hundred other actresses of the same period.

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