My Old Kentucky Homesite

News from Mayberry

Posted by Larry Wallberg on 03/03/2010

Sometimes, when I read my local newspaper, I have to remind myself that I haven’t moved to a sitcom town. Here are a few stories from the Lexington Herald-Leader’s Web site today. I’ve taken the liberty of changing a few names and adding some minor unverified details. But the major facts are basically true.

1) A deputy sheriff has got hisself in trouble again.

It seems that a brand new judicial center, which cost the taxpayers about twelve-and-a-half million bucks to build, was opened in Columbia, Kentucky on Monday. The poor ol’ deputy, takin’ hisself on a walkin’ tour of the premises, no doubt, accidentally locked his sorry ass in a jail cell. That ain’t the best thing to do if you’re claustrophobic, which the deputy is.

So he done the only thing a sane person woulda. He tried to shoot his way out.

The deputy was fired and ast to pay for the damage. There’s no mention of whether or not he ran to Aunt Bee’s for comfort and pie.

When reached for a comment, Opie Taylor said, “Gosh. Paw sure musta been mad to of fahrd good ol’ Barn.”

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2) A shrink from Covington was arrested las’ month after one a his patients was stabbed with a sword. He prolly did it hisself, since he was seen holdin’ the dang thing in both his hands and she was all bloody-like. Luckily, the doc got distracted for God-knows-why, and some folks was able to rassle that blade away from him.

Anyways, the guy was took to jail. That inconvienced some a his patients, who needed their p’scriptions. So, natchally, they been tryin’ to see him while he’s behime bars. The jail authorities have had to explain to folks that no pris’ner in no cell’s allowed to practice no trade a his.

Gomer Pyle, who needs them pills to deepen his voice for when he sings and suchlike, tole reporters, “Gol-lee.”

______________________________________________________________________

3) Yesterday, before Jim Bunning wussed out on his attempt to keep all those low-lifes from gettin’ their unemployment and other freebies they don’ deserve from the gummint, there were lotsa commie, homo, god-hatin’, baby-killin’, Obama-lovers rallyin’ against him. But some good citizens came out to take his side. One savvy woman who musta been empowered to speak for the whole state put it best when she said, “Thank you, Jim Bunning, I am sooooo proud of you. Kentucky is proud of you.”

Town drunk Otis Campbell was briefly seen at the pro-Bunning rally, but he left early to check hisself into jail.

______________________________________________________________________

4) All Lexington is het up with excitement cause George W. Bush is gonna be the guest of honor at a banquet in these parts. The ex-president will receive the “Distinguished Little League Ambassador Award,” just like his daddy got in 1995.

The Herald-Leader don’t say whether it’s the Little League, the Ambassador, or the Award itself that’s distinguished. But that don’t matter, cause prolly the word fits all three.

Barber Floyd Lawson has offered a free haircut to his hero, and schoolteacher Helen Crump has promised to help Mr. Bush with his elocutin’.

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24 Responses to “News from Mayberry”

  1. Susannah Roitman said

    Haha! I read The Herald Leader every morning. Your post made my day!

  2. Susannah:
    Believe it or not, I started thinking about our email exchange as soon as I saw those articles at Lexington.com. I’m glad I made you laugh.

  3. Back East hicks sound like more fun than Out West hicks.

  4. Des:
    That depends on y’all’s idea of fun.
    But I don’t know nothin’ ’bout what people do for entertainment in other countries like New Mexico.

  5. Why do I have the image of knuckles dragging on the ground?

  6. ildi said

    Ooooh, lattices of coincidence! NPR just ran the first story.

  7. J-Co:
    Why do I have the image of knuckles dragging on the ground?
    Maybe you saw a picture of all that blood scraped onto our sidewalks.

    Ildi:
    Yeah, but did NPR get a quote from Thelma Lou?

  8. the chaplain said

    The deacon and I once lived in a small Ontario town (population about 5,000) with one weekly newspaper. The funniest thing I remember about that paper was that a dead cat was the rag’s biggest news item for three weeks.

    Week 1 – Front page photo (local sheriff holding up a dead cat like a trophy) and a large, bold headline declaring that the sheriff had shot and killed the cat in the town cemetery – complete story below the fold.

    Week 2 – Letters to the editor about the sheriff’s outrageous misconduct in shooting the cat rather than apprehending it in a less lethal manner.

    Week 3 – Article detailing the sheriff’s response to the angry letters and defending his actions in using lethal force to subdue the sneaky feline (what the hell was it doing in the cemetery after dark, anyway?).

    Gotta love those small town papers.

  9. Chappy:
    Lexington ain’t no small town. There are more than 450,000 people in the metropolitan area, and approximately 666,000 — I’m not kidding! — damned souls in the “Combined Statistical Area,” whatever that is. According to the World’s Greatest Authority on Everything, Lexington is the 65th largest city in the country. We may not be no New Yawk, but we ain’t no Podunk neither.

    The main story in the paper on most days is about the U.K. Wildcats. As everyone knows, the activities of a local college basketball team are far more newsworthy than any a that other crap goin’ on. We also got the Family Circus and Dear Abby’s Daughter, so what more could you ask for.

  10. the chaplain said

    I know Lexington isn’t a small town measured by population, nevertheless, it sometimes seems to have a small town mentality. If you haven’t done so yet, you’ll want to brace yourself for March Madness; the Wildcats are set to play a major role in it.

  11. Chappy:
    … you’ll want to brace yourself for March Madness …

    I’m still trying to brace myself for Kentucky’s year-round madness. I’m not up to the level of singling out specific months.

  12. I’m sure your hicks are great and all, but when was the last time they had a good old-fashioned book burning?

    Granted, that story is eight years old, but that town is a mere 70 mile drive (practically next door by New Mexico reckoning).

  13. Philly news is pretty dull in comparison. Another shooting? Yawn. Delaware has no news. We just listen to Philly news.

  14. Des:
    Well, we don’t have a recent book-burning here in the Bluegrass State, but we did have the wacko librarian who kept checking out the same graphic novel, over and over again, to make sure that it didn’t get into the hands of children.

    Also, don’t forget Kentucky’s Creation Museum.

    Philly:
    I’ve heard that there’s some giant lunatic in an Indian headdress running around Delaware.

  15. the chaplain said

    The wacko librarian lives in Jessamine County. That’s where I went to college, in a tiny town called The Holy City Wilmore.

  16. Chappy:
    So did you ever return your copy of The Black Dossier? And what color stickers did you use for marking the dirty parts?

  17. the chaplain said

    I use yellow highlighters to mark passages I want to read again. I memorize the dirty parts.

  18. ildi said

    I love this line:

    “People prayed over me while I was reading it because I did not want those images in my head,” she says.

    I wonder how that worked out for her? For some reason that reminded me of Stephen Colbert’s classic question: “What does an atheist yell during sex?”

    and the capper:

    Both women say they remain baffled as to the reasoning behind their dismissal.

  19. Ildi:

    Where does one draw the line ‘twixt “devout” and “demonstrably insane?”

  20. Chappy:
    I memorize the dirty parts.
    If you can memorize all the dirty parts, the material you’re reading isn’t salacious enough.

    Ildi:
    My favorite line was: “because we are a conservative community, we will choose to have our children protected.” That’s the typical argument against both Freedom of Speech and Freedom of the Press. We always have to violate the First Amendment for the good of the children. Those poor kids, living in a country where everyone has a right to express his or her opinion.

    As Phil Kerby, an editor at the L.A. Times once wrote (according to Nat Hentoff):

    Censorship is the strongest drive in human nature; sex is a weak second.

    Des:
    Where does one draw the line ‘twixt “devout” and “demonstrably insane?”
    You’re assuming that there is such a line.

  21. srsny said

    Ya’ll missed the best story ever in ya’lls noosepaypuh. Went thar to read thems others stories but today found out about this good ol’ boy who was stuck f’ his water bill. So natchully he turned to his choich f’ help, and doncha know them choich folks said, that’s okay, boy, we’ll cover that f’ yuh. So the good ol’ boy, he picks up the check and brings it down there to the water office. But foist he jots down that there bank account numbuh and that there routin’ numbuh too. Now this here boy starts to use that there info to pay f’ some real important stuff – 784 bucks woith of phone sex. Now that’s whut I call helpin’ yuh neighbor.

    Just don’t tell Opie the details he might git the wrong message.

  22. Srsny:
    I’m bettin’ your phone-sex guy musta was Ernest T. Bass.

  23. MacNutz said

    This made me larf, several times. Thanks

  24. Mac:
    I’m glad you larfed. That’s better than baughing.

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