My Old Kentucky Homesite

No Wonder Tso Outranks Sanders

Posted by Larry Wallberg on 01/04/2010

I don’t like poultry. Usually, the only ways I’ll even consider eating it are if it’s (1) hidden under tons of gravy and stuffing, (2) covered by a slab of parmesan and a couple of ladles-worth of tomato sauce, or (3) “buffalo”-spiced with a bleu cheese dip. And I’ll make no bones about the fact that it must be fileted. Even under those circumstances, there’s still gotta be some decent wine or beer to wash it down.

So it came as a big surprise to my wife yesterday when she said “Let’s do fast food tonight,” and I suggested that we ought to at least once try the state’s signature dish.

“And what’s that?” she asked.

“Kentucky Fried Chicken. From Kentucky. Kentucky Kentucky Fried Chicken. Or, if you’re too lazy to pronounce actual English words: KKFC. That’s not to be confused with KKKFC, which doesn’t serve anything but white meat.”

“Very funny. You hate chicken,” my wife said.

“But it’s the only food with Kentucky in it’s name,” I answered.

“What about bourbon?”

“Bourbon’s not a food. Well, maybe it is here. But I was thinking of something you actually put on a plate.”

She shook her head in disbelief. “Do you mean to tell me that you’d eat Kentucky Fried Chicken but you won’t eat the chicken that I make? Aren’t I from Kentucky?”

She had me there. However: “Yeah, but you never said that your chicken was Kentucky-fried. Anyway, you’re not a colonel. And you don’t offer me a choice of sides.”

“You’re sure that’s what you want? We could get Chinese takeout, or pick up baba ganoush at the Middle Eastern place.”

I was adamant. “Asian? We’re gonna take our palates halfway around the world? I’ve been living in Fayette County for three months now, and I’m finally in the mood for some local cuisine.”

Eventually, I prevailed. Sad to say, though, the Kentucky Kentucky Fried Chicken I bought in Lexington was no different than anyone else’s defrosted fried fowl. It was greasy, but tasteless. In fact, I think I enjoyed it more when I had it last, nearly forty years ago on a weekend visit to Massachusetts. I’m pretty sure that yesterday’s mashed potato gravy was left over from then. The quality of the food made me want to do something with my finger, but not lickin’.

My wife noticed me making faces during my meal. “I knew you wouldn’t like it,” she said.

“Is it conceivable that the Kentucky Fried Chicken made in New England is better than the stuff made here?”

“It’s a national chain. It’s the same everywhere.”

“Well, maybe it’s tastier in the sea air,” I suggested.

She rolled her eyes, although not in batter. “Look,” she told me, “next time you decide you want fowl named for something, let’s not pick such a broad category as a state. We could get a dish that’s named specifically after you personally.”

“And what would that be?” I asked.

“You know,” she said. “Jerk chicken.”

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10 Responses to “No Wonder Tso Outranks Sanders”

  1. Evie said

    I eat chicken in a variety of forms, usually smothered or dipped in something much tastier. What I really can’t stand is messing around with bones. I also can’t stand dark meat. Is discriminating against dark, bony chickens racist?

  2. Evie:
    Is discriminating against dark, bony chickens racist?

    Not unless you burn a cross in their coop while deboning them. On the other hand, blatantly favoring the sliceable white parts of the chicken over others might be classified as breastist.

  3. Sir, the coincidence betwixt our two Posts is indeed Remarkable. I have a high Opinion of the chicken, particularly in terms of its artistic Merits.

  4. Percy:
    Indeed, our two recent posts do both treat of chicken. But your verse was about a chicken pet. Mine was about a chicken dinner, or as Colonel Shakespeare put it: Fare is fowl, and fowl is fare.

    Also, remember what the Butler said: A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg. I hope neither of us winds up with any on his face as a result of this accidental synchronicity.

  5. Totally chickened out..:D

  6. G.T.:
    Welcome to my Kentucky homesite; you’ll find the chicken coop off to the side of the stables. But since your comment lacks a pronoun, I can’t tell to whom you cluck your accusation. Is it me, or yourself, or some other commenter here? Exactly whom are you trying to egg on?

  7. You of course. You deserve that egg on your face..

  8. G.T.
    Ah, the yolk’s on me, eh?

  9. How can you not like chicken? I suppose then you can’t venture far from the norm, since they always say unusual things taste like chicken.

    So if you were ever to move to Colorado, would you be compelled to eat Rocky Mountain oysters?

  10. Philly:
    To me, only chicken tastes like chicken — which has no taste at all. It’s amazing how people’s descriptive powers come into play if they refuse to fall back on that stupid “it tastes like chicken” line. To me, the only thing that tastes like chicken is more chicken.

    FYI: Rocky Mountain Oysters taste like buffalo — but not their wings, of course.

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