My Old Kentucky Homesite

SEO Strategy: Come and Get It, Web Crawlers!

Posted by Larry Wallberg on 11/13/2009

I was outraged when Congress mandated earlier today that every American, including unborn fetuses, must maintain a Web presence of some kind. I’ll admit that I felt a little better when the Twitter Opt-Out Amendment was narrowly passed, because I didn’t see any way that I’d be able to confine my communications to 140 characters or less. At my age, I need more than that just to pass gas.

Fortunately, I already have this blog, so I needn’t do anything further to comply – except continue to post. I am excited about the Drivel Mileage Tax Exemption, though. If I can produce enough extra trivial chatter to print out pages (using Arial 12 only, as stated in IRS Publication AR12.03WTF) that will cover the distance between my house and the nearest troubled bank, I’ll be eligible for a deduction equal to the number of hours I spend monitoring my blog, divided by the number of nano-seconds I actually take to compose my posts, multiplied by the average number of hits I receive per hour. Since the Google spider-bots have yet to find my site, the mean number of my visits is, regrettably, somewhere in the low hundredths, which means I’ll earn about a nickel off my taxes.

So, please excuse me, but I’m taking steps to attract those little ethereal critters by mentioning Michael Jackson (still alive!), Taylor Swift (older than she says!), Sarah Palin (nude!), and Cookie Lavagetto (for all old-time Brooklyn Dodgers fans who happen to be Web-surfing despite their gerontologists’ orders).

Anyway, here’s the list again, in Arial 12 Boldface.
Michael Jackson: Still Alive!!
Taylor Swift: Older than she Says!!
Sarah Palin: Nude!!!!
Cookie Lavagetto (Honk If You’ve Heard of Him)

OK, I lied about the font. But I was able to say all that in a mere 1,680 characters, or, as the kids call it, exactly twelve Tweets. Twuly!

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4 Responses to “SEO Strategy: Come and Get It, Web Crawlers!”

  1. srsny said

    Can I tell you how much I am tired of hearing about Taylor Swift, Sarah Palin, the Balloon Boy, et. al. Last night, I found myself watching Saturday Night Live, and – although I must say the Biden opening bit was great – and who wouldn’t enjoy watching January Jones (despite the fart jokes) – there were many references to people I know I should be annoyed at hearing about – if I had a clue who they were!!! Many many people were laughing about someone with an armenian last name who likes to talk about her rump. If I could remember her name I would write it here so google could find you.

    Instead – Taylor Swift, Sarah Palin, the Balloon Boy, Carrie Prejean, Mylie Cyrus.

    And I’ll stop making references to Robert Burns and his ilk (or at least I will try).

  2. Srsny:
    The rump woman was supposed to be Kim Kardashian. Nowadays, most people would ask: “How come you know an obscure poet like Robert Burns (any relation to George?) and you’ve never heard of one of the icons of American television?”

    What are you, you some kind of wee, sleeket, cowran, tim’rous beastie?

    Anyway, I’m proud to say that I had to look up January Jones. Then, just for fun, I Googled February Smith, October Lopez, and December Cohen. No luck. But I did think of June Havoc, August Dupin, and Willie Mays.

  3. Evie said

    Who are Taylor Swift and January Jones? Am I missing anything by not knowing?

  4. Evie:

    Not a thing. I assume you have no TV.

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