Wallberg’s Law:
When your wife asks “Does this dress make me look fat?” you’ll wind up in an argument no matter how you answer.
Examples:
Wife: Does this dress make me look fat?
You: Yeah
Wife: Screw you! If you didn’t always have those Entenmann’s Chocolate Donuts in the house, I’d be twenty pounds thinner.
Wife: Does this dress make me look fat?
You: No.
Wife: Don’t you even look at me any more? You didn’t even notice that I’ve gained twenty pounds? Are you blind?
Wife: Does this dress make me look fat?
You: No, it fits perfectly.
Wife: Yeah, it fits a fat person perfectly. Can’t you even see that it’s two sizes larger than my other dresses?
Wife: Does this dress make me look fat?
You: You look beautiful.
Wife: Since when are you an expert on beauty? Every woman you ever look at is about twenty pounds overweight.
Wife: Does this dress make me look fat?
You: You look great.
Wife: That’s what you always say about an Entenmann’s Chocolate Donut. “Oh, that looks great, Honey.” Am I some kind of donut to you?
Wife: Does this dress make me look fat?
You: (thirty second pause)
Wife: How come you didn’t answer.
You: I’m thinking.
Wife: Sure, you’re trying to come up with something clever to say, because you know how pissed off I am that I’ve gained twenty pounds because of you and your goddamned donuts.
Wife: Does this dress make me look fat?
You: I can’t hear you. I’m in the shower.
Wife: You’d hear all right if I said I bought Entenmann’s Chocolate Donuts, wouldn’t you?
You: What?
Wife: I BOUGHT ENTENMANN’S CHOCOLATE DONUTS!
You: We’re having donuts? I thought we were going out.
Wife: You heard that pretty well didn’t you? Now, I’m coming in there and you’re going to tell me truthfully if this dress makes me look fat.
Wife: Does this dress make me look fat?
You: Define “fat.”
Wife: Twenty pounds overweight.
You: Define “overweight.”
Wife: More than I should weigh.
You: Well, how much do you think you should weigh?
Wife: Twenty pounds less than I do. And I would, if you didn’t keep bringing those stupid chocolate Donuts into the house.
You: You’re the one who usually buys them.
Wife: Yeah, for you. And do you ever buy anything for me?
Wife: Does this dress make me look fat?
You: I don’t think so.
Wife: What do you mean you don’t think so.
You: I don’t think it makes you look fat.
Wife: You’re just saying that without even thinking.
You: No, really. I’m thinking.
Wife: What’s there to think about? Yes or no? Fat or not?
You: I was thinking that the dress is terrific, and you look terrific in it.
Wife: You’re sure?
You: Absolutely. (Three peaceful minutes go by.)
Wife: How about this other dress? Does it make me look fat?
You: Do these pants make me look fat?
Wife: Yeah.
You: OK.
Wife: Wait a minute. Don’t go ‘way. How about this dress? Does it make me look fat?
